Abused No More

"Does he get the blame for everything?"

Dear Annie ,

Your advice is sound and makes sense.  

How do I determine my part to his actions? 

As you know  he can't have an argument by himself.  So,  what I have done in my actions that  may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?  

Susie 

Simple, Susie.

 

Just suppose that you are an irritating, ditzy person - now I'm guessing you're not, otherwise you would not be wanting to hold yourself accountable for your part in what happens in your relationship.

 

Here's the thing: he is responsible for his behaviour.

 

So even if you were annoying, and silly, if he is threatening, and aggressive, and hurtful, that is his responsibility.  Not yours.

 

Now, I'm guessing he has behaved pretty badly towards you - otherwise you would not have ended up at my website. 

 

I'm not going to excuse that bad behaviour, and I would suggest that you don't either... any more.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Annie

PS  Actually, long experience of abusive men tells me that they are remarkably good at having arguments all by themselves: when they are in the mood to 'blow',  they 'blow'.  It's called finding a trigger, and exploding.  Of course, by that time, they've often said so many hurtful things to you that you rise to the bait...  So, then, you wonder how much of the fight is your fault.  

And that is exactly what they wanted.

 

Why Relationships Don't Work

 Not all women are abused at some point in there life – although a lot are. 

 Not a lot of us are taught how to make good relationships.  Instead, we’re taught how to put ourselves last. 

After 7 years of research, I’ve written a report about how women are PROGRAMMED to sabotage their relationship chances. 

In fact, I’ve outlined 5 key problems guaranteed to STOP you creating a wonderful lasting relationship, and keep you wasting precious years –for nothing.  

Find out what they are here…

"Why Single Women Are Lonely And Married Women Are Miserable" 

Including: 

·         The one thing most women never do - before they even start dating (this will take just 20 minutes to do, but could save women years of misery) 

·         The BIG mistake most women make that guarantees failure in their relationship from Day 1 

·         The questions most women never ask themselves – that will make all the difference between falling for Mr Wrong (again) and finding Mr Right 

·         Why most relationships run into serious conflict within 18 months - and how to avoid this trap 

·         The tell-tale sign most women overlook, that will save you massive heartache  

Go here to download your f'ree copy now…

"Why Single Women Are Lonely And Married Women Are Miserable" 

To your relationship happiness, 

Annie

 

P.S. This report lifts the lid on some key things that most men really DON’T want you to hear, and most women don’t want to admit to themselves.  I won’t leave it up for long, so download it now while you still can!

 

Nobody Ever Told Me...

Hi there,

It wasn’t that long ago that I realized something important;

Nobody ever told me which part of fairy tales to believe.

I mean, we all know that fairy tales are…

well, fairy tales.

They resonate with us, because of the grain of truth in them.  Of which, more in a moment.

The trouble is, as children, we get to decide which bit we like the best; which bit really does it for us.

No prizes for guessing which bit that is…

It’s the happy ending, isn’t it?

Who could blame you for tuning in to the Feel Good Factor?

It’s normal.  We all want more good feelings in our life.  

Why wouldn’t you?

But is that really the grain of truth?

Think about it for a moment:

“Prince falls in love with self-effacing workhorse and lives happily with her forever after.”  (Cinderella)

“Driven away by a wicked stepmother, low maintenance beauty keeps house, uncomplainingly, for 7 small men, until necrophiliac Prince happens along, kisses her and brings her back to life.”  (Snow White)

“Love of a beautiful young woman saves father, and transforms misanthropic Beast into a Prince” (Beauty and the Beast)

(Should we really be filling our children’s head with this stuff??!)

Catherine Behan, Law of Attraction Life Coach, has a very different take on it.  She focuses on the grain of truth within the fairy tale.

She focuses on the beliefs and behaviours we learn from fairy tale.

In fact, Catherine Behan has discovered that most women conform to 1 of 3 stereotypes: two fairy tale princesses, and another, even more unlikel y figure.

You’ll be amazed when you find out who this is.

Catherine Behan has a lot of great things to say about relationships, including her own.

What’s more, she’s been generous enough to share what she knows, absolutely free.

That’s right.  

You can get her take on relationships at absolutely ZERO COST.  

How about it?

You can listen to me interviewing Catherine Behan here:

Check it out.

Catherine can still remember when her husband told her he was leaving.   She spent weeks unable to get out of bed, or off the couch, because she was so terrified of being alone.

That was a long time ago.  

Since then she’s learnt that what lay ahead was so much better than she cou ld ever imagine.

You’ll really want to hear what she has to say.

Listen here:

Why am I offering you all this f’ree value?  

Why are people like Catherine Behan, and Amy Spencer, and Anne Milford, so happy to share with you?

Because we all want to shorten your learning curve, by sharing the things we had to learn.

Who on earth would be more passionate about sharing than someone who learned important life information the hard way?

Find out what Catherine Behan learned – and how it relates to you – here:

 

"What if he were gay?"

 “Annie, what if there is cause to suspect that my emotionally abusive husband could be gay?  Then what?” 

That’s a question I was asked this week. 

And it is a question best answered with a question: 

“Suppose he is gay, what difference does that really make?” 

• He’s still behaved towards you in an emotionally abusive way. 
• He’s still a damaging partner. 

If he is gay, then his sexuality is not what he led you to believe it was – and he showed even less care and concern than you had previously thought, by marrying you. 

Being gay provides no excuse, nor justification for his treatment of you.  Period. 

Abusive men really do NOT like women.  

Gay men may – or may not – like women. But their preferred sexual partners are men. 

My questioner did not suggest that her husband might have other sexual partners.  Had she done so, then the concerns she would have to face would be the same as those of a woman with a heterosexual, adulterous husband.  In both instances, the question would be: is he having unprotected sex with other people? 

Do you choose to feel more, or less, humiliated if your – unloving, adulterous – partner is homosexual, rather than heterosexual? 

That is entirely up to you.  

The sexuality of abusive men is perverted.  They use – or withhold - sex for control, not love.  They ‘relate’ to their partner in a damaging way.   

That is a feature of the breed. 

I am very happy to generalize about abusive men; because they are, ultimately, eerily like clones.  They all share the same loathing for women.  They all abuse their partners in very similar ways.  

I am certainly, no expert as regards homosexuality, but I know that the same does not hold true of gay men. 

What should my questioner do? 

Please note that she is not even asking what she should do.  Possibly because she still doesn’t feel ready to do anything about a relationship that is making her thoroughly miserable.  

I believe she should make it clear to her husband that she is not prepared to tolerate emotionally abusive behavior.  But, then, I believe that is the thing all abused women should do.  

She should also make it clear exactly where she stands as regards extra-marital affairs.  

His sexuality may, or may not, be an issue.  What if he were actually bi-sexual?

His emotional treatment of her is, unquestionably, the issue.

 

Different kinds of bad relationships

Wouldn’t it be nice if we only had to experience being ill-treated by one man, and we learned from it never to make certain mistakes again?

For most of us, the reality is slightly different.  We learn that a certain kind of man treated us badly, in a certain kind of way, and we resolve never to make that mistake again. 

Sadly, we don’t think that we could be vulnerable to different, but equally calamitous, mistakes.  That is precisely why we repeat them.

Last week I was talking with a dear friend, someone I've known for 13+ years.  When I first knew her, she was in a relationship with a self-important womanizer, who thought the world revolved around him.  He took it as his due that someone as nice as my friend should put her life on hold to service him.  And he treated her like the proverbial doormat.

Eventually, she broke free.  In time she found another partner who, unlike his predecessor, talked about his feelings, fell head over heels in love from the get go, and whisked her off on a transatlantic flight, to his castle in a foreign land.

And there the fairy tale took a sharp nose dive. 

Not that it had been perfect from Day 1.  Anything but.  There had been red flags from the very first encounter with Prince Nauseatingly Charming.  But she had not paid sufficient attention to them.

Why had she overlooked those red flags – which she had registered?

Because she was focused on a different kind of bad: the kind of bad she already knew. The kind of bad she had already experienced.

When I first met my friend, we were both training in an alternative therapy.  On most alternative therapy trainings – in the UK, at least – most of the students are women.  But, on this one, there was a man in his twenties who affected cynicism and world-weariness. (Underneath that façade, he was a very sweet, and vulnerable, guy.)  Guy (not his real name) had a favourite saying that he used to describe life’s little – or not so little – reverses. Shrugging his shoulders, he would say:

“Same old sh*t, different wrapper!”

How many of us have focused on the wrapper, rather than on what it holds?

Judging by the number of abused women I have spoken to, who have settled, next time around, for a different kind of bad, far too many of us have done just that. 

When I look back on my own relationship choices, my first semi-serious relationship was with someone I instinctively sensed had the capacity to grow into an accomplished abuser, given the right opportunity.  I danced away before that opportunity presented itself.

I spent the next couple of years going on a load of dates, without becoming remotely serious about anyone.

In that time, I didn’t learn much about myself, relationships, or how to choose a good partner.  You see, I didn’t even know that there were things that I needed to learn in order to safeguard myself.

And so, the inevitable happened.  Someone came along brandishing a few fine red flags, but he wooed me quickly… And I focused my wariness on the wrapper – which was quite different: different profession, different nationality, different way of presenting, but…

As you’ve doubtless guessed:

Same old… flavour:

Abusive man.  And this time, instead of dancing away, I danced right into his clutches, where I learned a great deal of what I now know about the way abusive men behave.

So, how do you ensure that you don’t fall for the same old sh*t, different wrapper, ever again?

You learn how to recognise an abusive man, and you  react appropriately, before he propels your life, at top speed, up a blind alley.  You can do this on your own, if you are still prepared to learn the hard way; or else you could get the targeted help you need to protect you from future nasty surprises.

If you're still struggling to decide whether or not your partner – or ex-partner – was abusive, these words from “How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy” may help.  If someone were to ask you what you love about your partner, could you answer like this:

“My... [partner] is honest, genuine, considerate, selfless, humble, and a great partner. These qualities benefit our marriage tremendously.  In creating a good nurturing relationship, these qualities are essential.  I value the person he is, and I try to be the best I can be in return.”

“How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy”, by Anne Milford and Jennifer Gauvain, is an invaluable guide to how to spot and avoid the wrong guy; and recognize the right one.  This is the book that every abused woman, including me, wishes they had had as a much thumbed reference work, before they let themselves be railroaded up that blind alley.

 

  

 

 

Saved By A Bale Of Towels - Anne Milford's story

Anne Milford (co-author of "How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy") was shuffling head down into a bad marriage, when she was saved by… 

A bale of towels. 

Listen to Anne’s story here 

I was saved by the dream of a timeshare in the beautiful city of Venice.   

Another woman was saved by a pair of shoes. 

For every abused woman, the ‘reality check’ kicks in, at some point. 

Something makes you realize how profoundly miserable you are in our abusive relationship.  The towels that are the gift you get for marrying the wrong guy, the dream about the timeshare that’s never going to come true, the fight because you’re wearing the wrong shoes. 

Finally, you see the light. 

It’s never going to get any better.   

Your abusive partner is only ever going to get worse.  

That’s when you finally walk.  

Whether you’re still struggling with the decision to walk away, or you already have, and you’re still “regrouping”, Anne Milford will inspire and uplift you. 

Listen to the Anne Milford interview here. 

It’s absolutely free.

And if you are still standing nervously on the brink, this interview might be the thing that will lead you to spread your wings and fly. 

If not this one, it might be the next one, or the one after that.  

But it’s going to happen – with just a little input from you. 

Make use of all the resources available to you, and try not to worry about standing there on the brink.  

You’re safe.  

You’re growing your wings and you will fly. 

Listen to the Anne Milford interview here.

 

  

How Abusive Men Get Started

Abusive men have to start somewhere. 

By the time you meet them, all the programming is already in place, all it takes is something to activate it.  In that – if nothing else – they are akin to puppies (or other baby animals.)

If you have had the pleasure of observing a puppy, even at 8 weeks, you’ll know that the puppy already knows how to bark, how to (play-)fight, how to jostle for position, etc.

Sure, that kind of programming, which helps secure their survival, has been hard-wired into healthy puppies.  While abusive men don’t need to be abusive to survive…

At some point, though, they have more or less come to believe that abusive behaviours are part of their survival mechanism.

But, still, you could ask yourself: have abusive behaviours been hard-wired into the abusive man, or are they part of the software that he runs?

I’m not sure that it is helpful to spend too long searching for the answer.  One thing that we all know – to our cost – is that abusive men are very attached to  their abusive programming.  In fact, the thing that makes them so toxic is that they are more attached to their abusive programming than they are to their partner.

But, since it may help to focus on a concrete example, let’s look, briefly, at the abusive man I know best: my ex-husband.

He was the son of 2 concentration camp survivors.  His father – who I had the misfortune to know - was a very psychologically damaged and damaging man.  Always emotionally destructive, he was sometimes physically violent, also, to his wife and son.  

By the time I met my in-laws they had been married 30 years.  My ex-mother-in-law heartily disliked her husband, and delighted in playing the Wronged, Long-suffering Saint.  She was the Smother Mother to end all Smother Mothers.

As my husband told it, he had grown up being the loving, supportive surrogate partner to… his mother.  He had been engaged before he met me, but broken the engagement off – shortly before the wedding.  Then he decided he had made a hideous mistake.  He asked his ex-fiancée to take him back and… she refused.  (Wise girl!) 

What is the point in my sharing this with you?

I’m doing it so that you can see that, by the time I met him, my ex-husband had all the pieces of the abusive puzzle in place – bar one.  He had the necessary

·        Psychopathology

·        Role model

·        Hard luck story and attendant self-pity

The one thing he had lacked - until he met me – was the opportunity to behave in an overtly abusive way.

His fiancée still lived at home, and her father was the head of the professional association he had just joined.  This meant that it was in his best interest to tread carefully with her.  But he had broken off the engagement because she had not complied with his demands for sex. 

As I said, all the pieces of the abusive puzzle, bar one, were in place, by the time he met me.

That last piece I provided, by my compliance. 

In that respect, certainly, in me, he made a more inspired choice.  My father was not the head of a useful professional association – but, in truth that would not  impact on his career.  My future husband had a rare talent for antagonizing all his colleagues.  Not even a powerful father-in-law could have protected him from himself for long. 

What I had in my favour was that unlike his previous partner, I was a virtual orphan.  There had been total breakdown in my relationship with my parents.

That meant he didn’t even have to go to the trouble of isolating me from my family.   The job had already been done.

All he had to do was run the “Compliance Test”.

What is the “Compliance Test”?

That is the very first Test Temper Tantrum an abusive partner throws. 

That is the bizarre, or seemingly out of character, behaviour that takes you completely by surprise, in a thoroughly unpleasant way.  It happens early on in the relationship.  You want to believe that he is really a good guy, so you tell yourself it is just a glitch.  Possibly you tell him that kind of behaviour is unacceptable, and he makes the right kind of noises – or not.

Either way, you come away from it with the - misguided - belief that it will not happen again.

Not only does it happen again, and again, and again, but each time the behaviour gets progressively worse.  Because he was watching the way you responded very carefully, and he has understood something absolutely fundamental to the future of the relationship.  

He has learnt that you may not like his unpleasant behaviour, but you will tolerate it.

And the last piece of the abusive puzzle has fallen into place: opportunity.

An abusive man 'earns his abusive stripes' when he finds and exploits the opportunity to treat his partner abusively.  Our responsibility is that we allow him to do so.

And after we have allowed him to treat us abusively once, we let it happen to us over and over again – as if we had no power to stop it.

I 

How Do You Handle An Ex-Partner Who Is Suddenly Sweet?

 Nathalie wrote to ask:

 

“How do you handle an ex-partner who is suddenly sweet, trying to show he’s changed, telling everyone how sorry he is and how hurt I am, and trying to negotiate a financial settlement?

 

It seems to me that so many survivors talk about their ex-partners being abusive after the split, but apart from the first few weeks, my abusive partner is now suddenly very soft (lots of "darling"s and "sweetie"s) and promising to look after us and trying to prove he’s changed. 

 

My abusive husband, now we’ve been separated for 3 months, has changed from being physically aggressive to emotionally abusive to sickly sweet. He is trying to prove to me and all our friends that he has changed and is capable of talking nicely and not get angry.” 

Sometimes, other people’s problems sound easier to deal with than our own. 

Nathalie’s husband’s behavior is sick-making rather than threatening.    

Why? 

Because he’s having a “Mr Nice Guy moment”.  

Don’t get me wrong.  He hasn’t turned into a truly nice guy.  

He’s just cunning enough to know that, in certain circumstances, Mr Nice Guy works better than Mr Nasty. 

You see, he doesn’t want the marriage to end.  

Maybe he still wants Nathalie around.  It would be far fetched to say he [has suddenly realized that he] loves her.  

More likely, he doesn’t want to look bad to other people.  But… 

there’s another much more important reason: he’s thinking about how much this marriage breakdown is going to cost him financially. 

That’s one good reason why abusive men sometimes turn nice, and sometimes nasty, when their partner involves a lawyer. 

They want to minimize the financial cost to them. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but… 

It’s true. 

The best outcome for them is if they can get you to trust them to provide for you.

Think about it for a moment - 

Why on earth would you “trust” someone who has a track record of treating you badly? 

So, what should Nathalie do?

I’d certainly advise her to: 

• Ignore his appeals to her better nature – because to all intents and purposes he doesn’t have one
• Avoid “negotiating” directly with him
• Communicate, as much as possible, only through lawyers
• Keep pushing for what is rightfully hers 

If you’re struggling to make sense of your abusive (ex-)partner’s behaviour,

there is good news: 

Due to popular demand, I’m reopening the:

 

“It’s Emotional Abuse.  Don’t Try To Fix It” teleclass program for 24 hours, on Thursday, August 27^th for 24 hours only.

So, if you are still obsessing about the Hows and Whys of his behaviour, this might be just what you need.  You can find out more at. here

 

Catherine Behan asks: "Should You Stay Or Should You Go?"

You  know how you sometimes have to hear something several times, before you really hear it?  

Well, Catherine Behan's starting point is a very different one to mine.  This blog focuses on helping women to get out of an abusive relationship and get over it.  Catherine is passionate about helping people attract the love of their life.   But still, she has some great advice and techniques for any woman who is hurting from relationship breakdown.  

Who knows?

Maybe the way she says it is exactly the way you need to hear it right now.  

  http://www.attractyoursoulmatenow.com/blog/) 

A friend of mine is just separating from her husband and hearing the fatigue, depression and sadness in her voice triggered this question:

How do you know when it is time to let go of a decaying relationship? The word “decaying” may give you a clue.  If you are miserable, exhausted and disenchanted with your relationship, chances are you are making a decision from a place of anger or fear.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you do it with FEAR or ANGER being your motivator, you are setting yourself up to repeat your pattern with a new partner. The key to detaching yourself from a relationship that is no longer right for you, is to make your decision from a place of SELF LOVE instead.

How in the world do you get beyond the HURT, FEAR AND ANGER and find the SELF LOVE that is underneath it all?  Believe it or not, it is easier than you think.  It all starts with your thoughts.

The most powerful words I can share with you today are the FIVE WORDS THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE.  Now, I am a bit dramatic and love the turn of a phrase but I am serious.  These five words changed my life.

What You Focus On Expands.  Period.

Chances are you have been focusing on your man’s faults.  Not that I blame you, I used to do the same thing.  In my first marriage, I didn’t know about the five magic words.  I was an expert at my ex-husbands faults and not only did I focus on them, because I knew them so well (remember they expanded EVERYTIME I focused on them) I then made the “logical” next step….I began insisting he change those faults.

What a disaster! Through the divorce process, I searched and searched for answers.  I never wanted to divorce and I had to figure out what had happened to our once loving relationship.

My search led me to Abraham Hicks and the teachings on the Law of Attraction.  When I began to practice the Five Magic Words, choosing to focus on what I WANTED to expand, my whole perspective changed.

Now I am remarried and  nearing our fourth anniversary, the blush of honeymoon passion has subsided and real life has settled in.  I consciously choose to focus on Larry’s strengths, those things I truly admire. Even on a day when we are a bit cross with one another, my commitment to seeing only what I admire in him works  like a charm to get MY focus where I want it to be.

So how does all of this relate to someone whose relationship is ending? If you are ready to leave your guy, good.  You will find the whole process easier if you focus on what you WANT to see happening as you move on.  Focus on your future and your dreams.

But…if you are stuck in the fear, depression, anger and sadness and yet still care for your partner, find a support system (even Al-Anon can be a port in a storm) and begin to build up your positivity.  Leaving your relationship with more balance will help you move on more gracefully.

Besides, you don’t want to bring all of that emotional turmoil into your next relationship.  How can you make this shift?  Try these suggestions to create an exit strategy that works:

1.  Begin each and every day telling yourself something (anything) positive.Stand in front of the mirror (Thank you Louise Hay) and tell yourself:  “In this moment, I am safe and all is well.” or “You are looking good this morning!” or “I am proud of you.”

2.  Take out the trash. Author Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, suggests writing three pages of whatever comes tumbling out when you get up in the morning.  She calls them Morning Pages.  The idea is to truly dump and then to burn your pages.  Amazing and powerful little tool.  Spill your guts, speak from the heart, write it and burn it.

3.  Find Connections. I have met the best people in meet up groups, at my area metaphysical bookstore and in classes and workshops.  Before that, when I was really struggling, I met great people in online forums and in coaching clubs.  Law of Attraction is amazing in bringing the exact right people into your life when you need them.  Just reach out.

4.  Take Responsibility. It takes two to tango.  Begin to be honest with yourself.  Yes, he has caused you a lot of headaches, bless him.  But you have caused him a lot of angst too.  I love H’ono p’ono, a Hawaiian healing method.  All you do is repeat:  I love you, Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me.  Place your hand on your heart and say these four things while thinking of your soon to be ex.  You will feel waves of relief.

5.  Accept The Lessons. I remember Oprah talking about a difficult situation.  She asked, “What is the lesson here, let me learn it quick so I can move on.”  What about you?  Have you asked the Universe for the lesson?  Try journaling by using both hands.  With your dominant hand ask, “What is the lesson?” and with your non-dominant hand, write the answer.  Then ask again and again until you hear something from your Inner Being that brings relief.  Powerful tool.

Remember, you want to leave if that is the highest good, but more importantly, you want to leave with your dignity and your self concept intact.  You can move through this time with power and grace.  If I can do it, you can!

This article was first published in Catherine Behan's blog: 

  http://www.attractyoursoulmatenow.com/blog/)   

Enjoyed what you read?  Then go to: 

  http://www.attractyoursoulmatenow.com/blog/)  and read more.

"Is He Abusive? Or Just Insensitive And Selfish?"

Dear Annie,

I can't determine whether I am in a relationship with an extremely thoughtless, insensitive man or whether there is evidence of abuse. 

My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years although neither live together nor are married. He does nice things for me sometimes and appears to care but little niggles have always been at the back of my mind; he doesn't trust women because 2 previous wives left him for someone else. He has also had an abusive upbringing...

I feel so alone,

Sue

Hi Sue,

A question for you: if your partner is only extremely thoughtless, and insensitive, does that make the relationship viable?

I ask you that fairly brutally, because it is an imporant question. 

You were in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and I'm guessing that this man is an improvement on your husband.  All that tells me is that he is less bad. 

I note also that you are not living with him.  This means that he is likely to behave better to you than he would do if he had greater access to, and power over, you. 

There could be various reasons for his behaviour - none of them particularly reassuring.  But the bottom line is this:

 

• two wives have already left him. Why?  (And were there more?)
• He doesn't trust women,
• He is emotionally inaccessible
• He is very insensitive to your feelings
• Far from supporting you at a very difficult time, he is actually wanting you to tone down your response; presumably so that you will be easier to be around for him - because you will be less needy
• He is your partner, and yet you feel very alone

It doesn't sound good. 

And the fact that you have doubts tends to suggest that, deep down, you know this relationship is far from healthy. 

With your parent's health problems, you need someone who will be there for you, not someone who will add to the emotional problems you have to deal with, by his emotional detachment from you. 

One last question: you say: "he appears to care"; how do you know that he does care? 

I can't see how he cannot be emotionally abusive.  And he certainly is damaging to you. 

Sorry to have to say that to you. 

Warm wishes,

Annie