Abused No More

Falling in love stinks when...

My client wept down the phone as she asked herself – not for the first time: “How could he treat me like that?” 

She’d met a man who led her to believe he was The One, and she’d fallen head-over-heels (or should that be head-over-Heel?) in love. 

You know as well as I do what happened next.  He was an abuser.  He lied, deceived, hurt and humiliated her. 

Months later - like all abused women - she was still asking: “How could he?” 

The short answer is: he did because he could. 

The long answer hinges on his inadequacies, and needing to hurt her to feel like a Big Man.  But the short answer is more useful here. 

Falling-In-Love stinks because… 

Imagine it is the end of an unbearably hot day.  You’re worn out, drained, crying out for a pool of cool water, so you can wash off the hassles of the day. And you’re a long, long way from home, travelling without a clear direction.  As night falls, you come across someone who is walking in the same direction as you. 

He strikes up a conversation.  You talk about the day and you tell him you’re looking for a pool of cool water to bathe in.  You just want to relax, let go, and feel the sense of peace and well-being that being immersed in cool, clear water gives you. 

He not only seems to understand, he tells you that he knows just such a place.  In fact, he’s heading there, himself.  

He invites you to travel along the journey with him. 

You agree.  

He’s nice enough, after all.   

He wants the same thing you want.

He’s sympathetic to your feelings.  

You prefer having pleasant company to travelling the road, at night, all alone. 

By the time you finally reach the place he told you about, you’ve discovered you have a lot in common.  He thinks as you think about a lot of things.  He’s made you laugh, and lifted your mood. 

You’re tired of being hot, sticky, and tired out.  There’s something magical about the stillness of the place, the dying heat of the day, the darkness.  It’s so dark by now, that you’ve let him take your hand to guide you. 

He leads you to the place – a swimming pool, he now tells you, not a natural pond, but, hey, that’s all right, it’s still cool, fresh water – and he says to you: “Dive in.  I’ll join you in just a moment.” 

You can’t wait to shed the troubles of the day.  So you do what he says.  

You dive in. 

And you hit your head on the bottom.

Hard. 

Why? 

Because there was no water in that pool.  

You hadn’t stopped to check, because you couldn’t see clearly, and you’d built up what felt like a relationship with him.  

And you would never have imagined he could deliberately do something like that to you, because you would never, ever do something that nasty to another person… 

And Falling-In-Love is exactly like diving into a swimming pool without taking the time to notice whether or not it is filled with water. 

I have a lot of time for love.  As far as I’m concerned, loving someone worthy and being well loved by that person is as good as it gets. 

But that’s all about a mutually loving relationship. 

It’s a far cry from Falling-In-Love.

Falling-In-Love, as far as I can see, is about leaping without looking. 

Falling-In-Love lays you open to the whole unsavory pack of jerks, abusers, and narcissists.

I asked my client whether she would take a job without first finding out about the pay and terms of employment.  She sounded surprised.  She answered, briskly: “Of course not.”  

Then she saw the connection. 

You don’t have to fall in love on Day 1, Day 2, or Day 20. 

Falling-In-Love is optional, not obligatory – although it is a neat way of silencing the little voice in your head that says: “Er… I don’t think so.  This one is NOT for me!” 

Falling-In-Love throws a thick blanket of fantasy over an unpromising reality… for a little while.  It allows you not to look at your niggling doubts about the person.

Then the blanket dissolves leaving you with a very, very sore heart. 

Even if you do feel yourself Falling-In-Love – it happens - there is no sense in diving into the relationship blind.  First, you want to be very sure that you will not hit your head, very hard, on a concrete floor.  

Abusive men often tell us they’re no good.  And we don’t believe them!  

Which means we fail to trust the evidence of our eyes, our ears – and our intuition. 

Falling-In-Love is a wonderful, chemical ‘high’.  

And it stinks.  

You pay way too high a price for that high. 

Because Falling-In-Love means you don’t take the time to really check out whether the man is an abusive jerk, or Mr Perfect-for-You.  

So, am I saying “give up, or get a marriage broker”? 

Not at all.  

What I am saying is that giving your love, and trust, to another person is probably the most important investment you will ever make in your personal life.  

Do it carefully. 

Learn to love another person by inches – or centimetres, if you prefer.  

And start to love yourself – IN SPADES – first.

 

“What’s wrong with me?”

There comes a point in every abusive relationship when you know you should get out. 

Your abusive partner is making you miserable, you know the relationship is all wrong and, as far as you can see, your life has stopped dead… 

But still you stay. 

We’ve all done it.  

The little voice of intuition told me my marriage was over about 6 weeks in, but that didn’t stop me staying for some 20 years. 

We know we should leave, but we don’t. 

Instead, we ask ourselves: 

“What’s wrong with me?” 

And we come up with a load of answers – all of them wrong… 

But we stay, and we keep on asking the same old question: “What’s wrong with me?” 

So, what is wrong with you?  

What was wrong with me? 

Try this one on for size: 

You were brought up to be “nice”.  You were brought up to be nice: your role was to please other people and delay gratification.  The idea of being rewarded by pleasure now was programmed out of you.  

You were taught what you had to do for others.  You weren’t taught that other people had a duty to reciprocate. 

Still less were you taught to select your friends, and partner, only from those people who did meet your kindness with kindness, your thoughtfulness with thoughtfulness, your selflessness with selflessness.  

I’ve noticed that whenever I talk with abused women about selflessness in a partner, it raises a wry smile of disbelief. 

“Could selflessness possibly be a two-way street?” 

So, let’s do a quick reality check: 

Because you haven’t experienced it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Because you have experienced a load of selfish, hurtful, destructive behaviour, that doesn’t make selfish, hurtful, destructive behaviour the norm.  And it certainly doesn’t make it acceptable. 

It’s been normal for your abusive husband.  

It may have been normal in your family of origin. 

Being on the receiving end of abusive treatment has become normal for you.  

It’s been programmed into you for so long that you have developed an abused persona. 

That persona is not who you truly are. 

It puts me in mind of the story of the lion who thought he was a sheep.  If you don’t know already know that story, you can read it here:  

You’re not a sheep.  

You are actually a lioness. 

Maybe it’s not time for you to leave the grassy valley, yet.  Maybe, you don’t feel you have the strength to climb the mountain, yet.  

Although, if you realized who you truly are, that mountain would draw you to it. 

But one thing you can do right now: 

You can find better answers to that question: “What’s wrong with me?” 

Your programming is wrong – and once you make the decision to change it, you’ll be amazed to see yourself grow into your true stature. 

That’s all that’s ‘wrong’ with you. 

Oh, and the question is a poor one.  

So, you don’t feel like heading off the mountain just now.  That’s okay, Leonie <g>. 

But please, please, change the question.  

Ask yourself not what’s wrong with you - you already know the answer to that: your programming is out, at the moment.  Normally, when that happens, you get the programming – or the software - sorted out, you don’t just give up on the hardware.  Do you? 

Here are a couple of questions to help you start reprogramming the software: 

• What is wrong with him, that he always finds fault?
• What is wrong with the situation that needs to change?

 

"I'm Not Sure I Am An Abused Woman..."

 Dear Annie,

I hope you don't mind me e-mailing in, like this.  I have been reading your web site and articles and I think they are excellent.

I may or may not be in a situation like the people in the articles. I may not be an abused woman.  My problem is that I am a very selfish, self-centered person and I have ruined my husband's life by being selfish and having no empathy towards him or anyone else. He is always very angry with me on this account and he even says I have a personality disorder, which I have heard is incurable.

I even feel selfish writing this, but we have three children who might be affected by my behavior and I'd like to know how to minimise the effects of it and how to be empathetic. I try so hard never to think of myself and to monitor everything I say, do, feel and think in case it's horrible (the word he used was narcissism) but it is only effective up to a point.  

Do you have any advice for this situation?  

Yours in hope 

Allie 

  

Dear Allie, 

Yes, I do have advice for you.  That advice is to stop listening to your husband right away. 

Your husband tells you that you are selfish, self-centred, and you have ruined your his life.  

What a poor hard done by victim he is! 

But, also, what a negative, critical, fault-finding, punitive, blaming partner he is.  

If he’s that unhappy, why hasn't he left you long ago? 

Unless, the reason he stays with you is because, actually, he enjoys blaming you for ‘ruining his life’… 

I’m guessing he gets a real high out of telling you how awful you are.            

Now, in my book, that is selfish, and destructive. It is the hallmark of an abusive man.  You don’t have to be an Einstein to know that it points to a complete lack of empathy… on his part.  

What proof do I have for saying that? 

All the proof I need. 

Let me explain: 

If there were ANY truth in what your abusive husband was saying, you would not feel selfish writing to me. 

In fact, you wouldn't even bother to write to me. 

You know why? 

Because you wouldn't care less about what you had 'done to him'. 

In reality, you care very deeply.  And that is one of the hallmarks of an abused woman.  You care far more about other people's feelings than you do about your own.

The truth is, your abusive partner is saying some very cruel - and UNTRUE - things about you, which are hurting you very much. And he doesn't care in the slightest how much he hurts you.

Which is one of the unmistakable features of emotionally abusive relationships.

My advice to you is find out what is really going on, and stop letting him hurt you like this. 

My program "It's Emotional Abuse.  Don't Try To Fix It" may be just what you need to understand what is really going on in your marriage.   

Warm wishes, 

Annie

 

 

"Why Do You Think It Is So Easy To Change The People-Pleasing Habit?"

“If we are used to being nice, why do you think it is so easy to change?  I have subscribed to your emails and was watching your video today and this thought popped into my head:  it is just plain hard to be mean to people we care for, including an abusive (ex-)partner, if we are not abusive.  Either I have to be Miss Mega Bitch or Miss Get Run Over.  There seems to be no happy medium.” Louise 

Here's the thing, Louise: you've spent your time being nice to - that is doing back flips to please - a man who treats you badly –and, all the while, treating yourself badly, when you could get to treat yourself well. 

So, it's never about changing away from being nice.  It's all about loving yourself first, and not casting pearls before swine.  Pigs can eat anything, after all.  But that really doesn't mean that each time you make a beautiful meal you should chuck it into the pigsty.  Pigs are very happy - as I understand it - with leftover table scraps, or swill.  

But how can you ever expect someone to cherish you, if you are not prepared to do that for yourself? 

How can you educate someone to treat you well, if you do not teach them how, by doing it for yourself? 

Start giving your very best to yourself.  Who deserves your best more than you do, after all?  And extend that best only to those people who deserve it. 

Your abusive ex-husband will neither know, nor care, if you give him scraps from your generous heart. 

Warm wishes, 

Annie

 

"Does he get the blame for everything?"

Dear Annie ,

Your advice is sound and makes sense.  

How do I determine my part to his actions? 

As you know  he can't have an argument by himself.  So,  what I have done in my actions that  may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?  

Susie 

Simple, Susie.

 

Just suppose that you are an irritating, ditzy person - now I'm guessing you're not, otherwise you would not be wanting to hold yourself accountable for your part in what happens in your relationship.

 

Here's the thing: he is responsible for his behaviour.

 

So even if you were annoying, and silly, if he is threatening, and aggressive, and hurtful, that is his responsibility.  Not yours.

 

Now, I'm guessing he has behaved pretty badly towards you - otherwise you would not have ended up at my website. 

 

I'm not going to excuse that bad behaviour, and I would suggest that you don't either... any more.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Annie

PS  Actually, long experience of abusive men tells me that they are remarkably good at having arguments all by themselves: when they are in the mood to 'blow',  they 'blow'.  It's called finding a trigger, and exploding.  Of course, by that time, they've often said so many hurtful things to you that you rise to the bait...  So, then, you wonder how much of the fight is your fault.  

And that is exactly what they wanted.

 

"What if he were gay?"

 “Annie, what if there is cause to suspect that my emotionally abusive husband could be gay?  Then what?” 

That’s a question I was asked this week. 

And it is a question best answered with a question: 

“Suppose he is gay, what difference does that really make?” 

• He’s still behaved towards you in an emotionally abusive way. 
• He’s still a damaging partner. 

If he is gay, then his sexuality is not what he led you to believe it was – and he showed even less care and concern than you had previously thought, by marrying you. 

Being gay provides no excuse, nor justification for his treatment of you.  Period. 

Abusive men really do NOT like women.  

Gay men may – or may not – like women. But their preferred sexual partners are men. 

My questioner did not suggest that her husband might have other sexual partners.  Had she done so, then the concerns she would have to face would be the same as those of a woman with a heterosexual, adulterous husband.  In both instances, the question would be: is he having unprotected sex with other people? 

Do you choose to feel more, or less, humiliated if your – unloving, adulterous – partner is homosexual, rather than heterosexual? 

That is entirely up to you.  

The sexuality of abusive men is perverted.  They use – or withhold - sex for control, not love.  They ‘relate’ to their partner in a damaging way.   

That is a feature of the breed. 

I am very happy to generalize about abusive men; because they are, ultimately, eerily like clones.  They all share the same loathing for women.  They all abuse their partners in very similar ways.  

I am certainly, no expert as regards homosexuality, but I know that the same does not hold true of gay men. 

What should my questioner do? 

Please note that she is not even asking what she should do.  Possibly because she still doesn’t feel ready to do anything about a relationship that is making her thoroughly miserable.  

I believe she should make it clear to her husband that she is not prepared to tolerate emotionally abusive behavior.  But, then, I believe that is the thing all abused women should do.  

She should also make it clear exactly where she stands as regards extra-marital affairs.  

His sexuality may, or may not, be an issue.  What if he were actually bi-sexual?

His emotional treatment of her is, unquestionably, the issue.

 

How Do You Handle An Ex-Partner Who Is Suddenly Sweet?

 Nathalie wrote to ask:

 

“How do you handle an ex-partner who is suddenly sweet, trying to show he’s changed, telling everyone how sorry he is and how hurt I am, and trying to negotiate a financial settlement?

 

It seems to me that so many survivors talk about their ex-partners being abusive after the split, but apart from the first few weeks, my abusive partner is now suddenly very soft (lots of "darling"s and "sweetie"s) and promising to look after us and trying to prove he’s changed. 

 

My abusive husband, now we’ve been separated for 3 months, has changed from being physically aggressive to emotionally abusive to sickly sweet. He is trying to prove to me and all our friends that he has changed and is capable of talking nicely and not get angry.” 

Sometimes, other people’s problems sound easier to deal with than our own. 

Nathalie’s husband’s behavior is sick-making rather than threatening.    

Why? 

Because he’s having a “Mr Nice Guy moment”.  

Don’t get me wrong.  He hasn’t turned into a truly nice guy.  

He’s just cunning enough to know that, in certain circumstances, Mr Nice Guy works better than Mr Nasty. 

You see, he doesn’t want the marriage to end.  

Maybe he still wants Nathalie around.  It would be far fetched to say he [has suddenly realized that he] loves her.  

More likely, he doesn’t want to look bad to other people.  But… 

there’s another much more important reason: he’s thinking about how much this marriage breakdown is going to cost him financially. 

That’s one good reason why abusive men sometimes turn nice, and sometimes nasty, when their partner involves a lawyer. 

They want to minimize the financial cost to them. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but… 

It’s true. 

The best outcome for them is if they can get you to trust them to provide for you.

Think about it for a moment - 

Why on earth would you “trust” someone who has a track record of treating you badly? 

So, what should Nathalie do?

I’d certainly advise her to: 

• Ignore his appeals to her better nature – because to all intents and purposes he doesn’t have one
• Avoid “negotiating” directly with him
• Communicate, as much as possible, only through lawyers
• Keep pushing for what is rightfully hers 

If you’re struggling to make sense of your abusive (ex-)partner’s behaviour,

there is good news: 

Due to popular demand, I’m reopening the:

 

“It’s Emotional Abuse.  Don’t Try To Fix It” teleclass program for 24 hours, on Thursday, August 27^th for 24 hours only.

So, if you are still obsessing about the Hows and Whys of his behaviour, this might be just what you need.  You can find out more at. here

 

"Is He Abusive? Or Just Insensitive And Selfish?"

Dear Annie,

I can't determine whether I am in a relationship with an extremely thoughtless, insensitive man or whether there is evidence of abuse. 

My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years although neither live together nor are married. He does nice things for me sometimes and appears to care but little niggles have always been at the back of my mind; he doesn't trust women because 2 previous wives left him for someone else. He has also had an abusive upbringing...

I feel so alone,

Sue

Hi Sue,

A question for you: if your partner is only extremely thoughtless, and insensitive, does that make the relationship viable?

I ask you that fairly brutally, because it is an imporant question. 

You were in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and I'm guessing that this man is an improvement on your husband.  All that tells me is that he is less bad. 

I note also that you are not living with him.  This means that he is likely to behave better to you than he would do if he had greater access to, and power over, you. 

There could be various reasons for his behaviour - none of them particularly reassuring.  But the bottom line is this:

 

• two wives have already left him. Why?  (And were there more?)
• He doesn't trust women,
• He is emotionally inaccessible
• He is very insensitive to your feelings
• Far from supporting you at a very difficult time, he is actually wanting you to tone down your response; presumably so that you will be easier to be around for him - because you will be less needy
• He is your partner, and yet you feel very alone

It doesn't sound good. 

And the fact that you have doubts tends to suggest that, deep down, you know this relationship is far from healthy. 

With your parent's health problems, you need someone who will be there for you, not someone who will add to the emotional problems you have to deal with, by his emotional detachment from you. 

One last question: you say: "he appears to care"; how do you know that he does care? 

I can't see how he cannot be emotionally abusive.  And he certainly is damaging to you. 

Sorry to have to say that to you. 

Warm wishes,

Annie

   

Why Am I Afraid To Let Go Of An Abusive Relationship?

Hello Annie,

Why do I have "the fear of letting go" of the relationship?  I have stopped all contact with my abuser, however I still let him leave messages on my cell phone.  I do not return the calls, but I'm afraid to just cut him off.  I'm afraid of not knowing what is on his mind, what his emotions are and what he is thinking about me. I have this horrible fear of letting go of the one constant in my life, his abuse, for the fear of the unknown.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe not to you, but what is really holding me back from letting go?  Is it the thoughts of the good things?  Is it the fear of him sharing the parts of him I loved with someone else?

Sue

Hi Sue,

So, what is the fear of letting go really  about?  

Your abusive relationship has defined you for some time, so you may not know quite who you are without it.  Especially since an abusive relationship, inevitably, undermines your sense of identity.

Since he was an abusive partner, the good things were probably in short supply by the time the relationship ended...  But the fear of 'cutting him off' as you put it, may be about your anxiety that if he rebuilds a life for himself, that means you were the 'one to blame'.  Also, if he finds another partner, and is, as far as you know, happy, that could also make you feel that you were making a big mistake.  

Trust me, you weren't.  

There is also the fear, I'm guessing, that he may be the best thing that has ever happened to you, and will ever happen.  Now, that is seriously scary.  

An abusive man is never the best thing that will happen to you.  Most likely, he is the worst thing.  But denial is a weird and wonderful thing, and abused women tend to forget just how vile an abusive partner really is - a lot of the time. 

The final part of not wanting to let go is fear of losing the dream: you had a dream that you could be happy with him, that one day he would make you happy.  If that fails, you may feel that you are unworthy/incapable of happiness with anyone else; or you may feel, as he has doubtless often said, that nobody else would ever put up with you. 

How would he know??? 

Women struggle to let go of their abusive relationship.  They have invested so much that it is tough to say: "The relationship was a disaster".  Even though it was.  Admitting it, letting go, and looking at what went wrong is the start of building a healthy, relationship with yourself, first, and other people second.

Warm wishes for your recovery, 

Annie

"What Would Happen If I Stop Letting My Abusive Partner Get To Me"

Dear Annie,

 

I would like to know what would happen if you all of a sudden just stop letting the abuser get to you? To take whatever sick pleasure they get from abusing you away from them.  How do you think they would react? I truly love this man, and I do stand up for myself when he verbally attacks me, because fortunately, I have not let him ruin my self esteem.  I recognize that he is mentally ill, but I let him know that I won't be treated that way.  He will be better for awhile, but eventually the abusive behavior comes back.  I was just wondering if I stop reacting to it, would it take all the fun out of it for him?  I would appreciate any input that you may have on this matter. Thanks so much!  M

 

Hi M,

Not letting an abusive partner get to you is a great idea.  But unless you were born a saint it probably won't happen.  An abuser will always up his game to make sure he does get to you.  

 

(And then there is the point that he might just turn more aggressive and/or physically violent in the attempt to get his most desired reaction.)

What do you truly love about this man who takes a 'sick pleasure' (your words) from abusing you?

And how do you know he is mentally ill?  People who perpetrate domestic violence - which includes emotional abuse - may be 'bad', but there is nothing to suggest they are mad.

You say you let him know you won't be treated that way.  And each time he does it again.  Could it be that he is letting you know that he has no intention of paying attention to you long term and stopping?

If you stop reacting to his abusive behaviour, what will happen to you? 

What do you really gain by staying in this relationship? 

What might you lose if you left it?

And what might happen if you made it very, very clear to him that you will not stay to be treated that way any more?  Of course, you would have to prove to him - and yourself - that you are prepared to follow through.

I'd love to be able to offer you the honey words of reassurance that I am sure that you want; especially since you say that you love him.  But it would be irresponsible of me to do so. 

Nobody has ever yet transformed an abusive relationship into a functional one by sticking around to try and take away from the abuser the 'sick pleasure they get' from abusing.  

That, unfortunately, is the way it is.

One more thing: you suffer from the typical abused woman's syndrome of focusing exclusively on your partner.  Don't you think it would be more constructive to focus on yourself?  

Try as you may, you will never change him.  But work on yourself, and you may well find your path to happiness.  

Just don't imagine that he will be walking down that path with you, holding your hand.  More likely he will be lying on the ground, grabbing your ankles and doing everything he can to either immobilize you, or knock you to the ground.

I'm sorry.  That's the best I can offer you.  If someone had said that to me when I was where you are now, I would have absolutely loathed them.  but weeks, months or years later, I would have acknowledged that brutal as what they said had sounded, the advice was accurate.

Warm wishes,

Annie