Abusive Men – Why They Don’t Want You To Be Happy

I was talking with a client who is taking that long, long walk away from her abusive husband and into freedom. 

And, yes, it feels like a frustrating journey that never reaches its destination because every step feels like a ‘baby step’ - and baby steps seem so small, and insignificant, when there is such a mountain to scale…  

But they are not.  

Never underestimate the power in those baby steps. 

My client is at the stage of asking hard questions and looking for answers.  One of the questions she asked is: “Why doesn’t he care about my feelings?” 

It’s a reasonable question – from the point of view of the abused woman. 

She does everything she can to love and support her man, and you might think he would appreciate this… 

But abusive men don’t appreciate what you do. 

They expect it, sure, but they don’t appreciate it. 

Of course, that is a violation of everything you are led to expect: generally speaking, one good turn deserves another. 

That’s not what happens in the Abusive Kingdom. 

My client was still struggling to understand – at heart level – why that is. 

I said to her: “Abusive men really do not like women.  In fact, they hate them.  They hate women in general, and your partner hates you in particular.” 

Now, quite a lot of abusive men run after every woman that has a pulse.  But that still doesn’t mean they like women.  It simply means that they hunt women.  They collect ‘scalps’, as it were.  They treat women as objects. 

They may appear to like the odd one or two unattainable ones (my was-band was particularly warmly disposed towards a beautiful lesbian friend of mine).  

They may profess to like the ones who are misguided enough to like them.  But still, by and large, they hate women. 

And the closer a woman gets to an abusive man, the more he gives expression to that hatred. 

My client was, understandably, shocked to hear that she had spent years with a man who hates women, and hates her. 

Still, she couldn’t quite internalize the enormity of it.  She asked: 

“But why does he do things that make me unhappy?” 

I tried explaining that happy people feel more empowered, and less isolated and dependent than unhappy people.  

And then I explained it to her this way: 

“When you meet an abusive man, clearly, you don’t know he is abusive, or you wouldn’t be there.  You’re looking for a partner, and you assess his potential to be a good partner – to the best of your knowledge.  He, on the other hand, is looking for… not so much a servant as a slave. 

The abusive man is looking for someone who will serve him 24-7 in various departments of his life: the bedroom, the kitchen, the finance department, parenting – both of his children, and himself – and so on, and so forth. 

But more than that, the abusive man is someone who will carry a heavy load of loathing - his loathing both for himself and for other people.  

He is looking for someone he can dump that load on, forever after. 

Enter the loving, supportive, biddable, naïve woman… 

You know what happens next. 

What he needs is for you to carry that heavy load on your back, forever after. Provided your back looks nearly strong enough, and your shoulders nearly broad enough, he attaches himself to you.  

He needs you... 

He needs you to be bent double, carrying that weight for him, so that he can stand up straight, and feel free of it.  

Now, of course, it is the case with healthy partners that both partners want to remove all heavy loads from the relationship. 

Abusers are different.  Abusers start from the premise that there is, always has been, and always will be, a heavy load to carry.  Therefore they need someone to carry it for them.  

That person is you.

(That’s why it’s always felt like such hard work.) 

That’s why they can’t bear it when you feel happy, when you enjoy good times with friends, family or children, when you have plans for your own life. 

You’ve put their load down! 

They can’t tolerate that.  

You’re not allowed to do that.

It's not part of your job description; as far as they are concerned. 

You are their emotional slave, after all. 

Spoiling the moment, and treating you badly is their way of putting the load straight back on your shoulders. 

That’s all that matters to them.  

When you are bent double under their load of negative feelings that is – quite literally – a huge weight off their shoulders. 

That’s why they don’t want you to be happy; or, more precisely, can’t bear it when you are happy for more than about a nanosecond.  

It’s not nice.  It’s not reassuring.  And it’s not about you.  

That is simply the dynamic of abusive relationships.  And that’s why there is no point hanging around trying to change them.  

Comments

[nikki]

I have a 4 month old beautiful daughter I'm a first time mom and I've been with my boyfriend 3 years almost ...we live together he hasn't Always been abusive but now he's mentally and physically abusive I told him we are gonna leave him if be didn't seek medical help
He says he will then he'll say he's not cause he'll stop for our baby I know he's not gonna change and I'm scared of the abuse I thought he might change for our daughter but 4 months and he's gotten almost worse it's mostly if he drinks he just always seems to,make small deals HUGE life changing,EVENTS. most would brush off the things he,flips out about and,he always accuses,me,of cheating when I'm not I'm busy with the baby ..is there a way I,could convince him to go talk to someone I feel like he feels insecure about going he really has a big heart I'm trying,to,make this work but I've gotta think Bout,my,daughter
He had 2 sisters,growing up you would think that he would know,not to hit women ...he was in a relationship previous to me where his ex baby mama cut his leg open so Idk if she brought out the abusive side cause,neither of his sisters are bipolar there,very friendly
I just feel like his past relationship made him this way made him insecure and abusive
I'm the first serious girl he's dated since,his abusive,ex

[Annie]

Well said, KS. I couldn't have put it better myself.:-)

[AM]

KS - do not blame the trauma. Trauma does not cause abuse. Choices cause abuse. You are aware of how far you are willing to abuse her. You are not physically abusive, so that is not in your value system, at this time. Look not at your past alone, but in your current choices. How do you justify treating someone else with abuse? What justifications do you say as you cross that moment to speak abusively? Are you willing to be in therapy with an abuse specialist? Are you willing to try a 12 step program, of any sort, since they are generally about abusing something? Are you really willing to change, or do you still expect her to fulfill all your needs? Do you truly have her best interests at heart, or your own? And can you tell the differnce?

[KS]

At last... it makes sense it's 'not personal'! Thank you!

[JustAMan]

I feel this article describes me almost perfectly. I am a man who expects a woman to carry my load for me. I am not physically abusive, but I think I am emotionally. How can I get help? I have a great woman who just wants to make me happy and I am afraid I will scare her away at the same time that I pray she gets away if I am unable to become a better man? You tell women to leave, great. What about a man like me who wants a shot at happiness and a family and is willing to work hard to be a good husband and father but is suffering from PTSD from being abused as a child and other emotional traumas?

[CT]

This is so true. I worked out years ago that my abusive ex-husband hated women. This despite the fact that in some ways (not just sexual) he appears to like and admire some. The interesting thing is however, that despite the fact that he is an intelligent man, I really don't believe he has worked this out for himself.

[Sue]

Annie, my ex would probably ask the same questions as Rabbi. He was always scared of losing his family and once he lost it, was desperate to re-gain it. People told me he would give an arm or a leg to have us back because he loved his family so much.

He claims to have really tried to change, but all he has changed is his outward behavior. He will never physically hurt us again and maybe he won't lose his temper at a drop of a hat. But he doesn't respect our requests, like our need to have space, to heal, to be apart from him, etc. He still thinks that he knows more than us and that we have somehow inferior thinking processes and need to be told what is right and wrong.

I can't work him out, since I believe he is sincere in saying he wants to change. But I think he has manipulated himself and lied to himself so much he actually cannot see the truth. And that's where the problem is - he believes his own lies.

[Annie Kaszina]

Hi Rabbi,

You ask a good question. Let me ask you a couple in return?

Why do you want to 'get her back into your life'? What about your 2 year old daughter - how much do you want her back in your life?

And,another question: supposing that you really want things to be different this time, is it even about 'getting them back into your life'?

Perhaps it's not about what they can do for your life, but what you can do for theirs.

You are right to be concerned about repeating past destructive behaviours.

For things to change, you have to change the way you think about your wife, and daughter. When you are able to show her, consistently, over a period of months, or longer, that her feelings, and her personal space matter to you, then she might be prepared to reconsider.

But, for as long as you want her back because she fills an uncomfortable void in your life, the chances are you will be tempted to ride rough-shod over her again.

So, please, ask yourself: what are you prepared to commit to doing to make your wife happy? How will you modify your behaviour and demands?

And what difference do you think that will make to the quality of the relationship the three of you could have as a family?

[Account Deleted]

Dear Annie,

My wife walked out of the marriage, with our 2 year old daughter, saying
1.I'm a control freak
2.she has no space to breath
3.I'm blind to her feelings

6 months now, been through lot of revelations about myself with help of my counsellor. I really wan't to get her back into my life, but I'm worried I would repeat the cycle of above three points at some point of time. How do I save my family from this dangerous course and regain our relationship?

Thanks.