Secrets of Emotional Abuse Recovery for Women

Emotional abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner has become history, unless you discover what emotional abuse really is and how best to overcome it.

Emotional abuse is any judgement, from any source, humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People have a right to pass comment on errors you have made. They are never justified in suggesting that the errors you have made undermines your human worth.

Emotional abuse keeps you focused on the past; and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship. When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner will always remind you of everything you have ever done wrong – and visit on you their prediction that you will never change for the better. 

How does your partner know this? Actually, they don’t. It’s only their opinion.

Emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad things your partner says about you as gospel. If they can be so sure, when you are feeling so confused and undermined, then they must be right. In fact, they sound so certain because they are heavily invested in what they’re saying. They need you to believe it so they can maintain their power over you.

You can’t be sure whether what your partner says ‘counts’ as abuse or not. After all, he doesn’t hit you; he’s just telling it like it is. Maybe, it’s just you being too sensitive, or too demanding, or too unreasonable. That’s what he tells you. So you end up worrying: “Is it? Isn’t it?” Because you’ll only feel 100% justified in taking a firm stand, if you are absolutely sure, and it’s so hard to be sure with words.

In fact, if his words make you feel small, worthless or humiliated, and he doesn’t respect or consider how you feel, that is abusive. More important, it is unacceptable. Hurting your feelings, or being careless of your feelings, however you choose to see it, is unacceptable. Period. 

Until you become adept at recognising verbal and emotional abuse you will continue to suffer it in your life. Because you will continue to let friends, acquaintances and even strangers behave in ways that are either hurtful or careless of your feelings. 

You will visit other people’s abusive judgements on yourself, until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them once and for all. Worse still, you’ll confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’. If ever you find yourself thinking: “They can do things, because it’s different for them, they’re not as hopeless and useless as I am”, that is an abusive judgement. Any assessment you make about yourself that denies your ability to create good relationships and a good life for yourself is abusive – and wrong. 

How can you possibly know what the future holds? After all, if you had had the gift of foresight, you wouldn’t have got involved with your abusive partner in the first place, would you? 

So how do you ‘do’ emotional abuse recovery?

1) Understand that change is inevitable and that you have the power to make all the changes you want and need. Sure, you may not be able to make them right now, because you may not even know exactly what you want and need. What you can do, is start making one or two small changes and maybe add a few others as you go along; maybe adding a little self-care into your daily routine. 

The psychological burden of an abusive relationship is actually like a massive boulder. You can’t push it away, but a few small changes act like putting a plank under it. The leverage you’ll gain will allow you to roll that boulder away, faster than you might think possible.

2) Start to reprogram your mind. You can wait until things get better to start believing that they will; or you can fast-track your recovery by starting to believe in and look for improvements. Whatever you look for, you will see. Whether your glass is half-full or half-empty, it’s still the same glass and the same volume of liquid. The only difference is how you’ll feel about it. How do you want to feel?

3) Get support. You can find support from a refuge, from a group for survivors of domestic violence – and make no mistake emotional abuse is domestic violence – from a counsellor, coach or other professional who understands how you have been affected by emotional abuse. 

4) Get information. Not only will you find out that you’re not the only one to fall for an abusive partner, you’ll see that all abusive partners are clones. Some hit, some don’t, but they all behave in much the same way; they all say pretty much the same cruel things. You’ll soon start to realize that, since they all work from the same script, what they say is not about you, it’s actually about them.

5) Start to count your blessings. Yes, you’ve been through totally undeserved pain and misery and no doubt you are still hurting, but you have a choice. You can focus on the pain, or you can start to focus on what you have to celebrate. Bear in mind that what you focus on multiplies. 

Consciously make time in your day, maybe last thing at night, to celebrate your health, your children’s health, a child’s smile, any good thing that has happened in your day, a kindness shown to you, the sunshine, the beauty of a flower. If you commit to celebrating 10 blessings in a day, then you’ll have to look for them. Once you make a habit of looking for them, you will surely find 10, and more.

Is that it? It’s certainly a very good start. Everything suggested in this article will move you on from your hurt, victim mind-set and into an awareness both of your own worth and of all that there is for you to look forward to. The journey of recovery from emotional abuse is the journey from fear, shame, and powerlessness into joyful belief in yourself and the world. You don’t know what the future holds, but rest assured that there it will be far, far happier than you can imagine right now. 

Comments

[Layla]

My life has been like a roller coaster . My mother was controlling but I stopped that side I could control that part after 44 years and yet I marry a man who made me feel sorry for his past and yet I watched how he controlled his mum by using guilt and causing the family to argue through his jealousy . I could slowly see how dragged under I was , walking on eggshells being made to feel overly sensitive by his sarcasm in front of people of me. He wanted children with me so quickly I never see it coming. He didn't call me names he put my family down and my friends, no one came round anymore. He tried to turn our children against my family . I couldn't wear what I wanted he would say I was trying to look good for other men, took me to work and collected me till eventually I worked from home, used illnesses to draw me back in . 7 years on I have had to block him from any contact . The final straw came when he text me last year telling me he was dying and to tell the kids. He is constantly trying to control and doesn't pay child support left me in debt in our joint account lies to everyone about us and yet he still sees the children and it's killing me that the control doesn't stop

[Caroline]

Thank you very much for this article.

It was most insightful. I loved to hear the comments from other women who have come from an abused place...Things caught my eye, "The fairy tale is over", "it was someone I trusted"...The word crazy I saw quite a few times. My ex did make me feel that I was the crazy one though I always thought he had a right to as the way I met him was I had a major break down. He was my counselor who greatly helped me to get better. Unfortunately he turned it all around on me in the relationship. I became the sick mental patient who had to be controlled and dominated at all times.

I feel encouraged by this article that one can move forward. It is important to remember who we are and our value. I see now how it really was a power trip with my past partner who did his best to diminish me and destroy my precious self-esteem.

I realize it will take time to heal. The journey has begin. Thank you! I love the image of the boulder. I will slowely but surely be sending that boulder rolling down the hill!

[Lindsey]

I have been in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 12 years. I realized I had lost touch with reality and am also dealing with the pain of father abandonment from my childhood, so the thought of being alone is scary. He tried to intimidate me into drinking more around people, said I was weak because I couldn't hold my liqour. He criticized me for not dressing promiscuously or sexy enough in public, sometimes said I was a b**ch just like my mother...but I loved him and he always said he would do better. It's tough to deal with.

[emma]

i can't believe "I" just got a call from the police that my EX filed a report of HARRASSMENT because I was texting him repeatedly. After two years of emotional abuse and thinking that I was madly in love with him and he told me whatever he needed to get me to help him open his own business which was his dream....NOW I have become HIM. He has left me for a younger woman whom I was in a PROFESSIONAL relationship with and whom he has convinced that "I" am the crazy one. HOW did this happen? so now, I am relieved that I am out but I am only NOW at this moment realizing that it was an abusive relationship. This article was so helpful because it is EXACTLY EVERYTHING I just experienced and I knew it! but i questioned myself over and over and he actually convinced me it was me and once I started to believe it and I got depressed he said I was TOO MUCH for him now and he wants to be alone and focus on his work......then I found out that SHE was spending time with him before AND after our breakup. I was devasted and texted BOTH of them repeatedly to get answers and felt like I was going crazy. But now he has called the POLICE on me to make ME out like I am a demon when I KNOW i'm a good person and all my friends tried to tell me but I was SO IN LOVE.....what the HELL is that!? UGH...I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I never have to go through this again. It has been TORTURE.

[micah]

Thank you so much for putting this out there. I am 16 years old and was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years, and just got out of it 4 months ago. The only problem I have now is getting completely over him, and its hard because I see him everyday at school. After all that happened he has the nerve to hate me for everything, and I want to talk to the school phsycologist, but I feel like I'll look dumb because I turned down the opportunity to do so back then. My greatest fear now is him having this control without having to be in my life.

[name]

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for almost 2 years I started dating him when I was 18. I was young and doubted if it was really abuse. This article really helped me and touches right on the spot of where I was. I now celebrate the good things in life and forgave the past so he No longer holds power over me! I'm free from him and it is not my fault why he treated me how he did. So many women question if they are being abused and this article helps them know! This article is really awesome and helps you really recover!

[Debs]

having divorced from an emotionally abusive relationship over 9 months ago i realise today that i will never be free to be me again, or to live the life that i truly deserve.
despite being an intelligent, independant woman just one contact is enough to remind me, and almost paralyse me yet again with fear. fear of the control that he had, and will always have over my life and my happiness.

[chris addie]

I need help ive again walked away from a 13yr abusive relationship,al my family friends and many more people disliked this an but I was under his spell!!! I loved him and believed him when he was srry for what he said to me but iit dident take long for him to start again attacking my family and friends with his horrid thoughts,Im 55 so no spring chicken I am not a nasty person I love people and animals and I am iked by people and they a tell me I can do better so why carnt I get this man out of my head and be happy that im free even if I never meet another an im far better off on my own but I have him on my mind night and day???????????????

[jessica]

I just escaped from an emotionally abusive relationship. At first, he was everything i ever wanted, a true gentleman, someone who i truly trusted. Then, as months past, so did his "acceptance" of who i am and his niceties.
He would scream at me, call me names, call me his ex's name, tell me it was my fault he uttered those words and that i was the reason he was saying nasty things.He also started to put down the way i look as i have tattoos, he said i look "common". For some reason, out of nowhere, i realized how pathetic i was being. I was once confident and bold and now, i was reduced to " i am sorry, i agree, its my fault"-pathetic. I am still terribly torn and hurt but i did leave and reading this article made me realize i was not the crazy one-as he constantly stated. He was. So thank you. I can breathe and let go a little easier now. I have space to become myself again. More importantly,it helped me realize i certainly made the right choice.

[Karlie]

I am going through the final stages of my divorce from a very verbally abusive man. Of course, he is arguing every point, loving the battle. I have started counseling and realize I was living with an emotional terrorist. I am not sure I will ever get the "me" back I once had. I was proud of that person. The constant barrage of verbal abuse has just beat me down but I did have the strength to leave before it got physical. His rages had gotten worse and worse. If anyone has any words of advice, please fill me in. I have had to lift the restraining order b/c I can no longer afford to fight financially And I still do not know why he would pick me to be his victim.

[CT]

Jordan I could have written your comment. That is exactly my situation and when I do think of my ex (becoming less often)it is absolutely not fondly. My anger and resentment is abating as I remind myself what a revolting person he really is and that he will have a miserable life. That cheers me up no end.

[Jordan]

It's been over a year and a half since my emotionally abusive ( sometimes physical) relationship and it took me a long time to realize it was him, not me. Currently I am in a healthy, loving relationship with an amazing man who supports and treats me like royalty. the only hard part I have is that I still think about my ex sometimes and still see him blaming me for everything wrong in his life. I can't help but want to run him over with a car. how do I get past all my anger and resentment toward him?

[Ryanne]

I am so glad there are many resources people can turn to after such a devastating event. It is a very hard journey to recover from all the abuse I endure in my life so far but you guys are right, it can only get better from here on. You have power of your destiny and no one should ever take "you" from you. So let's keep our heads up and be thankful that we have ended such a horrible chapter in our lives.
Thank you for your words that gave me strength.

[Kristen]

I have been in true recovery from a long term abusive marriage for about a year now, and am amazed at how textbook my abuser was (and still is). Every single characteristic your site has called out applies to him. Thank you for being another confirming touchstone that it really was not me. It was him.

[sharon]

Thankk you for this blog, it is very inspirational. I finally found the inner strenth and courage to stand up to my father who was physically/emotionally/verbally abusive. I was was "under his control" for 40 years. I choose not to speak to him anymore, so now my journey to recovery and freedom begins. I will be coming to this blog for guidance and inspiration.

[Jade Jackson]

thank you so much for writing this blog, there seems to be so much on how to escape abusive relationships these days on the internet but nothing much to help you deal with the recovery and aftermath of such a thing. I, myself, am currently getting over an emotional-abusive relationship which i am hoping i will fully recover one day seeing as i have already suffered alot of trauma and the person that the abuse started with was someone that i had trusted.

this article was extremely helpful, thank you for writing it.

[Jeanette Ambrose]

I must congratulate the author of this blog,how I ended up here I do not recall.Searching for something besides blame and shifting of the entire load via the usual transference I suppose.Desperate for validation that I AM WORTH LOVING.I surrendered myself,out of ignorance;it is KNOWledge that will help reclaim the remaining years.I have been abused all my life and told much-but finally,the Light of Truth..you are much needed ray in a realm of global darkness-the hatred of women FOR being women.And I know,men are also abused.I will gather strength from your words.And pass them on to others who also are seeking to free themselves from being entangled in unhealthy relationships of ANY type.

May all be healed...

[Marilyn Sarno]

For the first time since I started praying and pleading for guidance out of this void (it has been years of "desparately on my knees" pleading) I know in my heart I have finally been shown the map. I am and will be eternally grateful that this help is the hope I have been praying for relentlessly and cannot wait to start the journey (teleclasses). Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Gina]

I enjoy getting my periodic newsletter. This is the first time I found the blog and really like this on emotional abuse. I wasted 6 months at 2 counselors who did not even help me understand the emotional abuse. I wish I could get the ebook as a real book. And I'm sick of counselors telling me we have to save the marraige. Ugh!

[Tania]

Today I am trying to stop loving him and wishing it was different, the fairytale is over and I feel like it is literally killing me, how do I even want to wake up tomorrow?

[Clare]

This website has been so valuable to me in my healing journey. I refer to it again and again to encourage me.
Thank you.

[Cindy]

This article is very helpful. I am going to make a personal inventory of my own faults so that I can grow as a person yet I know that I have been abused in this relationship and that I wasn't at fault for his wrongs. I will count my happinesses each day as the article states because I want to see that my life is changing and growing, and that I am too as a person. I want to take good care of myself and my children, and to live healthy and happy with myself. I want my power back.