“A Problem Is A Problem Is…”

Earlier this week, I was sitting over dinner with someone who regaled me with his concerns for his offspring’s partner. His concerns may, or may not have been justified, but here’s the thing: the person who was the focus of his concern didn’t see that there was a problem. 

Therefore the only person who had a problem – and for him it was a big problem – was my fellow dinner. I pointed this out to him and, given that it was troubling him excessively, I volunteered to help him clear his problem in about 15 minutes flat. He smiled uncomfortably and made vague, polite noises. 

Why?

He was utterly unconvinced. He belonged to the Gertrude Stein school of thought.

Gertrude Stein famously said:

“A rose is a rose is a rose.” (She doubtless said the same about chrysanths, but history doesn’t record that. Still you get the picture.)

How many people have unconsciously absorbed the Gertrude Stein approach to problems: i.e. “a problem is a problem is a problem”?

Sure, there are problems and problems. Not all problems are born equal. Personal and emotional problems often seem the hardest. Yet they don’t have to be. 

The one thing that guarantees you can’t shift a personal/emotional problem is the belief that you can’t shift it. 

I see it all the time with clients. They come with problems that they don’t believe they can change. Coming to see me is simply a last ditch stand, the final resort when everything else has failed.

Susie (not her real name, naturally) is a fairly typical client in that respect. She came about procrastination and lack of confidence. 

In fact these ‘problems’ were more the manifestations than her core issues. She had relationship problems that dated back to childhood, a chronic ‘people-pleasing’ habit, a child with significant learning difficulties and a long term weight issue, to name but some of her challenges.

Just today she said to me: “I feel like I have shed a skin that was too small for me.

What did she mean by that?

Well, I’d liken it to her removing a strait-jacket. She’d come in the hope of coping better with the difficulties in her life. What actually happened was that, in the course of working with me – and ‘purely coincidentally’, you understand J – she had cleared away those difficulties.

• She resolved those old relationship      problems. So much so that her      partner was excited to discover what else had changed after each one of      our sessions. 
• She stopped people-pleasing and became      adept at putting boundaries in place and saying ‘no’. 
• She found she could manage her child’s      behavioural difficulties much more calmly and easily. 
• She started to market herself far      better than she ever had and thus generate significantly more new and      repeat business. 
• She got her website up and began sending      out her ezine, thereby beating her old procrastination habit.
• She lost a lot of weight and transformed her relationship with food.
• She embraced the concept of self-care      as the necessary prerequisite to consistently offering the best level of      care to her family. 

Did she think that she could have all these benefits from coaching at the start?

No, of course, she didn’t. Because she knew, or thought she did, that everyday miracles – like hurricanes – Hardly Ever Happen.

And yet they can and they do.

Unless, that is, you choose to believe that “a problem is a problem is a problem.”