Why do I have "the fear of letting go" of the relationship? I have stopped all contact with my abuser, however I still let him leave messages on my cell phone. I do not return the calls, but I'm afraid to just cut him off. I'm afraid of not knowing what is on his mind, what his emotions are and what he is thinking about me. I have this horrible fear of letting go of the one constant in my life, his abuse, for the fear of the unknown. I know it sounds crazy, maybe not to you, but what is really holding me back from letting go? Is it the thoughts of the good things? Is it the fear of him sharing the parts of him I loved with someone else?
So, what is the fear of letting go really about?
Your abusive relationship has defined you for some time, so you may not know quite who you are without it. Especially since an abusive relationship, inevitably, undermines your sense of identity.
Since he was an abusive partner, the good things were probably in short supply by the time the relationship ended... But the fear of 'cutting him off' as you put it, may be about your anxiety that if he rebuilds a life for himself, that means you were the 'one to blame'. Also, if he finds another partner, and is, as far as you know, happy, that could also make you feel that you were making a big mistake.
Trust me, you weren't.
There is also the fear, I'm guessing, that he may be the best thing that has ever happened to you, and will ever happen. Now, that is seriously scary.
An abusive man is never the best thing that will happen to you. Most likely, he is the worst thing. But denial is a weird and wonderful thing, and abused women tend to forget just how vile an abusive partner really is - a lot of the time.
The final part of not wanting to let go is fear of losing the dream: you had a dream that you could be happy with him, that one day he would make you happy. If that fails, you may feel that you are unworthy/incapable of happiness with anyone else; or you may feel, as he has doubtless often said, that nobody else would ever put up with you.
How would he know???
Women struggle to let go of their abusive relationship. They have invested so much that it is tough to say: "The relationship was a disaster". Even though it was. Admitting it, letting go, and looking at what went wrong is the start of building a healthy, relationship with yourself, first, and other people second.
Warm wishes for your recovery,