"Does he get the blame for everything?"

Dear Annie ,

Your advice is sound and makes sense.  

How do I determine my part to his actions? 

As you know  he can't have an argument by himself.  So,  what I have done in my actions that  may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?  

Susie 

Simple, Susie.

 

Just suppose that you are an irritating, ditzy person - now I'm guessing you're not, otherwise you would not be wanting to hold yourself accountable for your part in what happens in your relationship.

 

Here's the thing: he is responsible for his behaviour.

 

So even if you were annoying, and silly, if he is threatening, and aggressive, and hurtful, that is his responsibility.  Not yours.

 

Now, I'm guessing he has behaved pretty badly towards you - otherwise you would not have ended up at my website. 

 

I'm not going to excuse that bad behaviour, and I would suggest that you don't either... any more.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Annie

PS  Actually, long experience of abusive men tells me that they are remarkably good at having arguments all by themselves: when they are in the mood to 'blow',  they 'blow'.  It's called finding a trigger, and exploding.  Of course, by that time, they've often said so many hurtful things to you that you rise to the bait...  So, then, you wonder how much of the fight is your fault.  

And that is exactly what they wanted.

 

Comments

[Hope]

My ex used to always say that he couldn't take all the blame because I also had a part to play. Funny that counselors agreed. So after a while, I stopped yelling. I stopped arguing. I stopped talking. I lost my voice.

But he would still have fights, or at least that's what he complained to everyone. Many times, they weren't two-people fights - they were just him exploding. And me being paralyzed.

In the end, whenever he asked me to admit my part (because he couldn't deny his part), I would say, "Not standing up to you." Which would start another fight...