Dear Annie,
I can't determine whether I am in a relationship with an extremely thoughtless, insensitive man or whether there is evidence of abuse.
My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years although neither live together nor are married. He does nice things for me sometimes and appears to care but little niggles have always been at the back of my mind; he doesn't trust women because 2 previous wives left him for someone else. He has also had an abusive upbringing...
I feel so alone,
Sue
Hi Sue,
A question for you: if your partner is only extremely thoughtless, and insensitive, does that make the relationship viable?
I ask you that fairly brutally, because it is an imporant question.
You were in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and I'm guessing that this man is an improvement on your husband. All that tells me is that he is less bad.
I note also that you are not living with him. This means that he is likely to behave better to you than he would do if he had greater access to, and power over, you.
There could be various reasons for his behaviour - none of them particularly reassuring. But the bottom line is this:
- two wives have already left him. Why? (And were there more?)
- He doesn't trust women,
- He is emotionally inaccessible
- He is very insensitive to your feelings
- Far from supporting you at a very difficult time, he is actually wanting you to tone down your response; presumably so that you will be easier to be around for him - because you will be less needy
- He is your partner, and yet you feel very alone
It doesn't sound good.
And the fact that you have doubts tends to suggest that, deep down, you know this relationship is far from healthy.
With your parent's health problems, you need someone who will be there for you, not someone who will add to the emotional problems you have to deal with, by his emotional detachment from you.
One last question: you say: "he appears to care"; how do you know that he does care?
I can't see how he cannot be emotionally abusive. And he certainly is damaging to you.
Sorry to have to say that to you.
Warm wishes,
Annie
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