How Do You Handle An Ex-Partner Who Is Suddenly Sweet?

 Nathalie wrote to ask:

 

“How do you handle an ex-partner who is suddenly sweet, trying to show he’s changed, telling everyone how sorry he is and how hurt I am, and trying to negotiate a financial settlement?

 

It seems to me that so many survivors talk about their ex-partners being abusive after the split, but apart from the first few weeks, my abusive partner is now suddenly very soft (lots of "darling"s and "sweetie"s) and promising to look after us and trying to prove he’s changed. 

 

My abusive husband, now we’ve been separated for 3 months, has changed from being physically aggressive to emotionally abusive to sickly sweet. He is trying to prove to me and all our friends that he has changed and is capable of talking nicely and not get angry.” 

Sometimes, other people’s problems sound easier to deal with than our own. 

Nathalie’s husband’s behavior is sick-making rather than threatening.    

Why? 

Because he’s having a “Mr Nice Guy moment”.  

Don’t get me wrong.  He hasn’t turned into a truly nice guy.  

He’s just cunning enough to know that, in certain circumstances, Mr Nice Guy works better than Mr Nasty. 

You see, he doesn’t want the marriage to end.  

Maybe he still wants Nathalie around.  It would be far fetched to say he [has suddenly realized that he] loves her.  

More likely, he doesn’t want to look bad to other people.  But… 

there’s another much more important reason: he’s thinking about how much this marriage breakdown is going to cost him financially. 

That’s one good reason why abusive men sometimes turn nice, and sometimes nasty, when their partner involves a lawyer. 

They want to minimize the financial cost to them. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but… 

It’s true. 

The best outcome for them is if they can get you to trust them to provide for you.

Think about it for a moment - 

Why on earth would you “trust” someone who has a track record of treating you badly? 

So, what should Nathalie do?

I’d certainly advise her to: 

• Ignore his appeals to her better nature – because to all intents and purposes he doesn’t have one
• Avoid “negotiating” directly with him
• Communicate, as much as possible, only through lawyers
• Keep pushing for what is rightfully hers 

If you’re struggling to make sense of your abusive (ex-)partner’s behaviour,

there is good news: 

Due to popular demand, I’m reopening the:

 

“It’s Emotional Abuse.  Don’t Try To Fix It” teleclass program for 24 hours, on Thursday, August 27^th for 24 hours only.

So, if you are still obsessing about the Hows and Whys of his behaviour, this might be just what you need.  You can find out more at. here

 

Comments

[Nuri Leigh Burville]

To quote "I have no doubt that the quality of the work you do with couples is superb. But I am afraid you may be the very rare exception. Often relationship therapists do not fully understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship, and only add to the torment of the victim." I cannot say enough about how well said this comment is! I too counsel abused women because I was profoundly abused by family, husband and then the system that believed they were "helping" me. The fact that I woke up is a testimony to the fact that nothing was medicating my pain other than getting away from family, husband and the "helpful" professionals. Bless Annie Kaszina for her comment on typepad on Aug 31, 2010

[Sue]

If my ex read this he might think that it is a bit harsh on him because he really thinks that promising the world and proclaiming undying love IS a sign of change. After all, it is a change from being nasty. How would he know that he is not really changing? What does he have to do to change? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Work through shame and rejection? He has already gone through a batterers program.

[Annie Kaszina]

Hi Jeanne,

As you say, most abusers do not change. But they do promise to change at times of crisis, to keep their partner hooked in.

Having worked with many, many women who have fallen for that promise, and lost further years of their life in an abusive relationship, I urge women to be very wary.

For most women the hope that their partner and their relationship will change is a false hope that will cost them very dear.

If an abuser is committed to doing the work, he should get on and do it - and certainly not expect his partner to support him through it.

I have no doubt that the quality of the work you do with couples is superb. But I am afraid you may be the very rare exception. Often relationship therapists do not fully understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship, and only add to the torment of the victim.

[Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.]

While it is true that most abusers don’t change, there are those who are genuinely committed to ending their abusive behavior. As a psychologist for over 25 years and domestic violence victim advocate, I help couples apply the principles of domestic abuse treatment in the context of relationship therapy, and we see abusive relationships change. For more information, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com

[Ann]

It is so hard to believe that he doesn't have a better nature. After all, he does at times say sorry, my wife deserves better, I'll try harder, I'm such a great mother, God isn't finished with me yet, etc. And some would say he is more like a rough diamond or a bull in a china shop, but not malicious. I like to believe the best in others (something he used to deride in me) so why can't I have that attitude when it comes to him, even if I recognize that his actions are abusive.