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August 24, 2010

Comments

Nuri Leigh Burville

To quote "I have no doubt that the quality of the work you do with couples is superb. But I am afraid you may be the very rare exception. Often relationship therapists do not fully understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship, and only add to the torment of the victim." I cannot say enough about how well said this comment is! I too counsel abused women because I was profoundly abused by family, husband and then the system that believed they were "helping" me. The fact that I woke up is a testimony to the fact that nothing was medicating my pain other than getting away from family, husband and the "helpful" professionals. Bless Annie Kaszina for her comment on typepad on Aug 31, 2010

Sue

If my ex read this he might think that it is a bit harsh on him because he really thinks that promising the world and proclaiming undying love IS a sign of change. After all, it is a change from being nasty. How would he know that he is not really changing? What does he have to do to change? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Work through shame and rejection? He has already gone through a batterers program.

Annie Kaszina

Hi Jeanne,

As you say, most abusers do not change. But they do promise to change at times of crisis, to keep their partner hooked in.

Having worked with many, many women who have fallen for that promise, and lost further years of their life in an abusive relationship, I urge women to be very wary.

For most women the hope that their partner and their relationship will change is a false hope that will cost them very dear.

If an abuser is committed to doing the work, he should get on and do it - and certainly not expect his partner to support him through it.

I have no doubt that the quality of the work you do with couples is superb. But I am afraid you may be the very rare exception. Often relationship therapists do not fully understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship, and only add to the torment of the victim.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

While it is true that most abusers don’t change, there are those who are genuinely committed to ending their abusive behavior. As a psychologist for over 25 years and domestic violence victim advocate, I help couples apply the principles of domestic abuse treatment in the context of relationship therapy, and we see abusive relationships change. For more information, visit http://www.domesticabusetreatment.com

Ann

It is so hard to believe that he doesn't have a better nature. After all, he does at times say sorry, my wife deserves better, I'll try harder, I'm such a great mother, God isn't finished with me yet, etc. And some would say he is more like a rough diamond or a bull in a china shop, but not malicious. I like to believe the best in others (something he used to deride in me) so why can't I have that attitude when it comes to him, even if I recognize that his actions are abusive.

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