Why Am I Afraid To Let Go Of An Abusive Relationship?

Hello Annie,

Why do I have "the fear of letting go" of the relationship?  I have stopped all contact with my abuser, however I still let him leave messages on my cell phone.  I do not return the calls, but I'm afraid to just cut him off.  I'm afraid of not knowing what is on his mind, what his emotions are and what he is thinking about me. I have this horrible fear of letting go of the one constant in my life, his abuse, for the fear of the unknown.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe not to you, but what is really holding me back from letting go?  Is it the thoughts of the good things?  Is it the fear of him sharing the parts of him I loved with someone else?

Sue

Hi Sue,

So, what is the fear of letting go really  about?  

Your abusive relationship has defined you for some time, so you may not know quite who you are without it.  Especially since an abusive relationship, inevitably, undermines your sense of identity.

Since he was an abusive partner, the good things were probably in short supply by the time the relationship ended...  But the fear of 'cutting him off' as you put it, may be about your anxiety that if he rebuilds a life for himself, that means you were the 'one to blame'.  Also, if he finds another partner, and is, as far as you know, happy, that could also make you feel that you were making a big mistake.  

Trust me, you weren't.  

There is also the fear, I'm guessing, that he may be the best thing that has ever happened to you, and will ever happen.  Now, that is seriously scary.  

An abusive man is never the best thing that will happen to you.  Most likely, he is the worst thing.  But denial is a weird and wonderful thing, and abused women tend to forget just how vile an abusive partner really is - a lot of the time. 

The final part of not wanting to let go is fear of losing the dream: you had a dream that you could be happy with him, that one day he would make you happy.  If that fails, you may feel that you are unworthy/incapable of happiness with anyone else; or you may feel, as he has doubtless often said, that nobody else would ever put up with you. 

How would he know??? 

Women struggle to let go of their abusive relationship.  They have invested so much that it is tough to say: "The relationship was a disaster".  Even though it was.  Admitting it, letting go, and looking at what went wrong is the start of building a healthy, relationship with yourself, first, and other people second.

Warm wishes for your recovery, 

Annie

Comments

[TiB]

Google stockholm syndrome and abusive relationships there is info onwhy it is hard to leave an abuser that you loved at one time. I dated an abuser for a year and Iknow the pain of letting go of this kind of person. They have tactics to manipulate and control their victims. My abuser....b2.....was extremely smart and cunning when it came to control and manipulation. He has learned to be an abuser for many years. It is all he knows and does it very well. I used to feel sympathy for him. Now I feel disgust and am extremely grateful for my support group who opened my eyes and gave me information in dealing with this kind of person. My life is back on track to finding the real one who is for me. I threw that shark back in the sea. Life is to precious to waste on certain people who cannot see that they have some huge problems that are dangerous to everyone around them. Trust me there are alot of good men out there who know how to treat a woman. Abusive men have had some serious childhood issues that they have never healed from. Find the man that is whole and complete. That is where you will find true love.

[TiB]

Men who are abusive also play the games of leaving you to gain an upper hand on control. I dated an abusive man for one year. I still cannot believe how hard he tried to manipulate and control me. He broke up with me but still wanted me to be his girlfriend in many ways. I reached out to a support group and learned the tactics of abusers. I finally told him goodbye and cut all contact. He tried one last attempt to say that our love was second to none. I turned my back on him completely and forever. I am so happy and free. I give thanks to all my supporters they were tremendous in helping me leave him for good. Trust me, you will get over the pain. Read about stockholm syndrome. You might understand why you feel the way you do. You will find better men. They are out there. Let him go and be happy that you do not have to live with such a monster anymore.

[Jenni]

Hi, my name is Jenni and I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years. My husband was abusive in every way a person could be abusive--physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually and mentally, and he was extremely good at it. Recently I did leave him but I am an emotional wreck since and I don't know how to get past it. First he calls and asks me not to divorce for a year so he can get help thru AA, which I agreed to, but now he seems to want the divorce and I am in such termoil because of this. And honestly, I don't think I want him! I don't understand myself or why this hurts so much and I cant let go! Please help me figure out what is wrong with me and how to get past this and to not let it bother me how he feels---God knows he has never cared how I feel. Thank you-----------Jenni