Abused No More

Cutting The Ties Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

I’ve worked with many abused women who want to be free of their emotionally abusive partner, or ex-partner, and yet can’t quite let go.  

From a logical standpoint it makes no sense at all.  But why should it? 

One abused woman’s words sum up the problem perfectly: 

“What is that part of me that endlessly holds out the hope that he has grown and won’t be a jerk?” 

Now, she is not even with her abusive partner any more, nor has she been for quite a while.  Yet the hope persists.

Or, perhaps, more correctly, it is the habit; the habit of still seeing this abusive man as somehow playing a central role in her life.  

Why does this happen?   

Or, perhaps, more correctly, it is the habit; the habit of still seeing this abusive man as somehow playing a central role in her life. 

There are lots of possible answers.  It could have to do with not really holding the centre of her own world for herself.  Or it could have to do with still according him a power and authority that he never deserved.  

In the end, the only important thing is that, for whatever reason, women who cannot quite let go are still enmeshed.  And, because they are still enmeshed, they still look to their abusive partner to free them.  

If he will stop calling, or doing whatever it is he does to remind her that his hooks still bite into her flesh, then she will be free. 

But that is exactly what he is unlikely to do. 

For as long as he can still have his bit of fun tugging on those hooks, he will continue to do so.  It goes with the territory. 

When my divorce from my abusive husband finally came through, I wanted closure.  (Prior to that point, I had done at least my fair share of mentally asking him how could he?)  But I had a strong sense that I needed to sever the line of communication – on my side at least.

I sent him a carefully crafted letter telling him that the connection between us was completely at an end.  

Being really quite astute, as most abusive men are, he sensed that I meant it.  Over the years, he has engaged in a little low level provocation and he has bided his time waiting, and plotting the day when he would…  I’m not even sure what: get his revenge, strike me hard, or whatever.  As he said to one of our very few mutual friends: “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

Please understand that I am not suggesting that he has spent all his time plotting my comeuppance; I’m sure he hasn’t.  But it has been a nice idea for him to play with – he doesn’t have a problem with the notion that revenge is a dish best served cold - and the time finally came when he could twist the knife. 

What does all this mean in practical terms? 

It means that he has been instrumental in creating a rift with someone that I love – it also means that that person has their own share of responsibility also; as do I. 

So where am I going with this? 

When this rift started I made a conscious decision that I was not going to be drawn back into any of the old stuff, including Poor Me Syndrome.  We can ascribe whatever meaning we choose to what happens to us. I chose to believe that there was a gift in the situation, I simply had to find it. 

I had a vision of my ex-husband standing with the end of a cord in his hand, jerking it very hard, because he believed that the other end was tied firmly round my throat.  

I don’t have to tell you that the other end was once tied round my throat, in the same way that it may well have been tied around yours.

No way was I going to pick up ‘my’ end of that cord.  

That would have been suicide. 

You cannot just pick up ‘your’ end of that cord, and hope it will stay inert in your hand.  It will coil itself around your throat, or whichever part of your anatomy it was ever attached to – or may still be attached to.  

You have only to touch that cord for it to develop a life of its own – a life that is intent on squeezing the life out of you. 

As I write this, I am aware just how dramatic it sounds.  But is it far fetched, or is it accurate?  

And if you feel it is accurate, then isn’t it time you cut the cord in your own life, once and for all. 

Ah but, how to do it? 

CLICK HERE to discover how.

The 7 Secrets to Creating An Abusive Relationship

Nobody ever deserves to get hooked into an abusive relationship, but that is exactly what does happen to a lot of us.  In fact, the statistics suggest that 1 in 4 women will undergo domestic violence – and that probably doesn’t include those of us who “only” suffer mental and emotional abuse.

So why does it happen? 

Why does it happen, even in these relatively ‘enlightened times’?  And why does it happen to the rich and famous no less than to anyone else.

Secret #1 It doesn’t just happen; it comes about for a reason.  We become abused women, and learn to settle for an abusive relationship because we were taught to settle for less.  Mostly, we were taught by parents, or other carers, to settle for: 

• Less love

• Less respect

• Less care

• Less consideration

• Less support

• Less encouragement

 

than we wanted or needed.  Nobody’s suggesting that we liked it, or that we wanted it, but – usually at a young age - we were programmed to expect that that was all we would get, and so we internalized that.  It was never your fault,  you were programmed to have an Achilles heel that you didn’t even know you had.

 

Secret #2  We become awfully good at denial.  Well, you would, wouldn’t you?  When you learn that you are not that important, and you don’t matter that much, it becomes second nature to blame yourself for whatever happens, does it not?  Especially when everyone else is in the habit of blaming you.  You accept that everything that happens is your fault. 

 

(Do you remember The 3  Wise Monkeys, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil?  According to Wikipedia there could be a fourth one also: Do No Evil.  And, according to Annie, there should be a fifth one: Live No Evil.  What I mean by that is never, ever, resign yourself to live with the evil, negative projections that a loved one foists on you.  When someone tells you that you are most kinds of awful and you swallow it, you are living their evil.  Don’t do it.  They’re wrong.)

 

Secret #3  Always, always let an abusive man off the hook.  Collude with him in accepting that he is never accountable for his actions.  You made him do it – whatever it happens to be at the time. 

 

Secret #4  If you keep on throwing love at an abusive man, he’s bound to improve one day.  Isn’t he?  Your love is the alchemy that will one day turn his dross into gold.  Or, if you prefer, just keep waving your magic wand as hard as you can and, some day, the magic is bound to work (if your arm doesn’t drop off from exhaustion first).  The best case scenario is that one day, you will finally have some power and influence that lasts longer than 5 minutes, in the relationship…

 

So sorry to dispel another hope, but it really doesn’t work like that.  You know how the more you do for other people, the less they bother to do for themselves?  Well that is the way it works.  Why, on earth, would he bother to work at the relationship, when he can leave that stuff to you?

 

Secret #5  Make sure you have a really, really skewed idea of the World.  He is wonderful, and you are awful.  Now, this one is a little counter-intuitive, but you’ll probably understand it anyway.  Most of the time he acts like a complete jerk.  Yet that doesn’t stop you believing that he is wonderful, and lovable, and his behaviour is all your fault, anyway.  You, on the other hand, do everything you possibly can to be loving, caring, understanding, and supportive, and keep the peace, yet, all the time, you are vile, and horrible, and nobody else would ever want you.  (Doubtless because you are too loving, caring, understanding and supportive…)

 

WHOA!  Reality check, please!  If it looks like a jerk, talks like a jerk, and acts like a jerk, there is a good, O-B-V-I-O-U-S reason for that: it’s a jerk.  Every single jerk, since the beginning of time, has come with a guarantee, written in large print, across his forehead, which, curiously enough, nobody ever bothers to read, or heed, at the start.  It reads: “This jerk is guaranteed to make you as unhappy as you have ever been in your entire life.  He will never change or improve to make you happy.” Enough said.

 

Secret #6 Always, always focus on him.  It’s all about him, isn’t it?  You are so convinced that he needs to change, that he is perfectible, and a fine human being whose light is largely hidden by a dung heap, that you completely and utterly disregard yourself.  You’ll be happy, when he…  You’ll be able to grow and thrive emotionally, when he…  You’ll defer having any good feelings, until you can bestow them on him first. 

 

Think about it for a moment: abusive men don’t do selflessness, and they certainly don’t defer gratification.  They want their emotional pay-offs and they want them now, toddler style.  If having warm, fuzzy, loving feelings mattered to them, if being happy mattered to them, they would have focused their energies in that direction, instead of the eternal rant of dissatisfaction. 

 

Secret #7 Let him take control of the relationship from the first minute.  You may not like the way he does things – in fact, you probably won’t – but let him know that you are prepared to accept whatever he dishes out, regardless.  Ignore everything you see that you don’t like.  If you prefer, you could ask him to change and take your wishes into account.  But then, when he fails to do so, back down.  He’ll be fine with that, although he might have a temper tantrum.  You probably won’t be as comfortable with that, but that is not important, is it?  (See Secret #6 above.)

 

Now you know the 7 Secrets to creating an abusive relationship.  Hopefully, bringing them to your attention in a slightly brutal way will help protect you for the future.

 

The next step is all about learning how to do things dramatically differently, so that, when you are ready, you can create the great relationship you desire.

 
  

Your Self-Respect

I was at a dinner party where the hostess was full of righteous indignation.  Her next door neighbour had left a violent husband – the episode leading to her departure had been the talk of the very genteel street.  Now they were back together, playing ‘happily ever after’.  

“Hasn’t she got any self-respect?” my hostess snapped.  (Underpinning her indignation was a belief that ‘things like that don’t happen in streets like this, to people like us’.)  

I carefully sheathed my claws and replied, as neutrally as I could: 

“You know, it is not quite that simple.” 

My hostess, who is blessed with a very happy marriage, interrupted, warming to her theme.  “How could she let anyone…?  I would never… Blah!  Blah!  Blah!” 

I can remember saying the same thing myself; and really believing it.  

In fact, I actually said it to my mentally abusive husband.  

And I didn’t have the slightest idea of the irony of it! 

I said as much to my hostess, who was still firmly astraddle her high horse, and wasn’t budging. 

So, I explained to her that most times we don’t recognize abuse, for a couple of very good reasons: 

• First, because domestic abuse is incremental.  Abusers, generally, start in a small way, get compliance, and then up the ante every time, so they ‘break you in’ – relatively - gently.  (Think, if you will, of the school of thought that suggests starting a lobster in a pan of cold water, and gradually bringing it up to the boil.)
• Second, we were probably pre-programmed to accept abuse. 

I can’t tell you how many times an abused woman has expressed disbelief that a partner could be violent towards her; and grown up with a violent parent.  Or else, she has been stunned that a partner could ‘speak to her that way’, when one, or both, parents ‘groomed’ her, by the way they treated her. 

My hostess huffed and puffed a bit, and then said: “Well, I would never…”  

In my most polite, British way, I pointed out to her that she had grown up with parents who were loving, supportive and indulgent of her.  She agreed.  She wasn’t convinced, but she had the good grace to agree.

But the story does not end there. 

A couple of days later, I had a call from a client who I have worked with for some time, first individually, and then through the Healing Journey Teleclass Program.  She said she had some exciting news.  

This client, I’ll call her Mary, has spent 7 years trying to make an abusive relationship work.  Mary was pretty good at: 

• Self-blame
• Making excuses
• Denial
• Overlooking the evidence
• Giving her partner one last chance after another
• Settling for crumbs
• Misplaced forgiveness 

You know the behaviours as well as I do.  

Mary’s ‘story’ was that she was addicted, and could not let go of this man.  Most abused women have a touch of the limpet about them – do we not? – but Mary was in a class of her own.  Still, I did not buy the ‘addiction’ story.  It’s a great line to get you off the hook.  Mary’s argument was, basically, one of diminished responsibility, because of her addiction. 

All the work we did individually, and in the teleprogram, never seemed to develop strong roots. 

And then she made an appointment to speak to me.  Boy, did she sound excited.  

She told me a tale of her partner reverting to his usual (unlovable) behaviours.  True to form, he started attacking her about her children.  Then he said he couldn’t take her somewhere nice for dinner, because of her shoes.  And then he threw a spectacular – but not uncharacteristic – tantrum. 

And Mary walked away, once and for all. 

“Why?”  You might ask.  “What was different this time?” 

What was different was that she finally understood – at all levels of her being - that this man was abusive; and she is not prepared to accept abusive behavior. 

It reminded me of how my own marriage ended.  As soon as someone, whose opinion I could not dispute, told me that my marriage was abusive, the decision to leave was easy. 

I’ve worked with many, many women who have put up with extraordinarily bad treatment from their partner, and managed to excuse it.  Either the poor little poppet had a hard time as a child, or he was stressed at work, or it was the drink, or it was her fault, or he had ‘so much potential’, or whatever.  

As long as it was purely an interpersonal thing – a difficulty in the relationship – it was possible to stay and work it out.

Once the cold, hard, ugly judgement of abuse kicked in, it became a whole different ball game.  

And, strange to say – or not – self-respect kicked in. 

So I do not share my hostess’s opinion about a lack of self-respect.  

I believe that something different occurs in abusive relationships.  I believe our needs, wants, dignity, personality, and sense of self, all become increasingly compressed, by an abusive man, into the smallest possible space.  

We lose sight of them in the struggle for survival.  

We try so hard to accommodate to our abusive partner’s whims, wishes, and demands that we completely lose sight of ourselves. 

Still, somewhere in that tiny space, our self-respect remains.  And the day comes when something finally triggers it.

When that happens we respond from an entirely different place, from a strength and a clarity we didn’t even know we had. 

So, in answer to my hostess – who will not be reading this:  Yes, we do have our self-respect, it never leaves us.  Compressed though it may be, it remains, and one day something will trigger it and cause it to unfurl. 

Bring it on! 

And what of Mary now? 

Well, like all abused women Mary is a tryer.  She is not prepared to give up, even for a while – as I would like her to – on the search for a relationship.  Happily, she sees the need to learn how to do a relationship very, very differently, from a place of enlightenment, and personal power.  

She will be joining my 7 Secrets to Successful Relationships teleprogram also.  

I hope you will, too.