Having worked with many, many women who have been trapped in an abusive relationship, one thing is very clear: they don’t realize that the relationship is abusive.
That is a key reason why they stay.
They stay because they lack the ability to take a good, hard look at their abusive partner’s behaviour and say: “No, this is not acceptable.”
Now, you might think that adult, intelligent people would be able to see what is staring them in the face. But the truth is that they cannot.
They have been brainwashed so effectively by an abusive partner that they are no longer able to access their critical faculties properly. Their partner tells them that they are stupid, selfish, inadequate, ugly, a lousy partner, and parent, and they believe it.
After all, if their partner says that, if the partner who knows them most intimately, sees them in that light, then it must be true, mustn’t it?
Wrong question! All the abused partner can say, with any degree, of accuracy, is that that is the point of view that their abuser is expressing.
Why would anyone express such a harsh judgement if it is not true? Simple, really. An abuser comes from a different mind-set to you. He is not concerned with truth or accuracy. But he is very interested in his own agenda.
And what is that agenda?
That agenda is all about making you feel small, and weak, and powerless, and unlovable. Because when an abuser succeeds in doing that, he:
a) feels much better about himself
b) leaves you feeling powerless and therefore dependent on him.
Because there is one key thing that no abuser is going to tell you: he needs you hugely – not because he loves you, or anything nice, and reassuring, like that. He needs you because, venting his negative feelings about you, cushions all he negative feelings he has about himself.
One lesson to learn is that it is pointless for an abused woman, who is struggling in an abusive relationship, to try and discover what is good about herself. For as long as she is with her brainwasher she is not going to register it.
But there is another lesson also that is well worth taking on board: however crushed and worthless an abused woman may be feeling, she can still arrive at a fairly accurate assessment of her partner’s behaviours. She may get her interpretation of what they mean for her completely wrong, but still, she will assess those behaviours accurately.
So, one quick, accurate measure or whether or not the relationship is abusive is this: does your partner behave around you in ways that are:
a) self-important
b) negligent
c) callous
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