Abused No More

The Circle Of Violence

When I was trying to break away from my abusive husband, I first needed to understand what was really going on in the relationship.  In other words, I wanted to know for a fact that the fights and breakdowns were not solely my fault.

The thing that changed that for me was the cycle of violence diagram that is  available on my website.

Suddenly, I discovered that I had been living like a frenetic hamster on a wheel, going round and round, faster and faster all the time.  For as long as I stayed on that wheel, all I would ever do was go round and round.  Eventually, I would probably have dropped off it; emotionally, if not physically, I would have died of exhaustion.

When I look back, it wasn’t just a circle; it was actually a spiral that went progressively further downhill with every revolution.

That diagram helped me. 

I’ve since used it to help many, many other abused women.  Once women understand the inevitability of the damage they will suffer in an abusive relationship, the relationship loses much of its attraction.  Once they understand that the dream they have for the relationship is not part of the picture, it becomes easier to walk away, physically and emotionally.

That is the often the first step to healing.

After that first step there are a number of others that facilitate healing. 

Part of the power that domestic violence has over us is that, for the longest time, we are floundering in uncharted waters.  We don’t know where we are, where we might be headed, we can’t even find our back to where we once were. 

We can’t explain it to ourselves, and it is very rare to find helpful, supportive people around who can explain it successfully to us.

As soon as we have a map of the territory, things become clearer.  We can look beyond that map, we can start to explore the whole atlas.  We can start to look beyond where we are to where we want to go.  And then we can follow the route that will take us there most quickly.

We can heal by accident, or by design. 

One woman wrote to me this week and said that there was no point in her trying to heal fast, because her healing had to be a slow process. 

There is nothing to suggest that healing requires a proportion of the time you have spent suffering abuse: there is no 10%, 20%, 50%, or 100% rule. 

When you want to heal and are prepared to commit emotionally to your healing, and you have the right tools, that is the best tools available, healing can, and does, happen very fast.

You may not be ready to take that next step yet, but if you feel you are ready to move from victim to creator in your life, I would urge you to act now.  Make that leap of faith, and your healing will occur very fast.

If you are ready, the 10 week Emotional Abuse Recovery teleclass program may be just what you need.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Do We Stay With An Abusive Man?

Here are a few common reasons abused women give for staying with an abusive partner:

 

• "I can’t manage financially without him."
• "It’s better for the kids to have two parents."
• "I still love him."
• "I’ll never get anyone else as good again."
• "It’s better to have someone than nobody."

 

Do you notice a common thread in those arguments?  Apart from the fact that you too, as an abused woman, have probably said all of those things at some point. 

 

They are all statements of low self-worth.  The common thread is a lack of trust in yourself, in your own resources.

Besides CLICK HERE to continue reading...

“Don’t throw your love away”

Talking to a client this week, I was reminded of a song by a now forgotten English group, The Searchers: “Don’t throw your love away”.  It is a very old song indeed, and one that had slipped totally from my mind, until I listened to this lady talk about her abusive relationship. 

Like so many abused women, she was throwing good love after bad.  As her abusive partner became increasingly unloving; she responded by lavishing more and more love on him.   

Should it have worked?  In theory, yes.  I remember once hearing that it is almost impossible not to respond to the love that someone gives you.  Yet, you, and I, as abused women, know that this is not also always so.   

What makes our attempts to love an abusive man so doomed to failure? CLICK HERE to carry on reading

Why Working At Your Relationship Doesn’t Work

Have you worked hard at your relationship?

I bet you have. 

If you are anything like most abused women, you’ve worked your socks off to make your relationship work.  That’s part of the job description: abused women toil tirelessly to keep their relationship alive.  You couldn’t possibly pay someone enough to put in the time and the trouble that abused women sacrifice, for absolutely nothing.

Of course, it doesn’t work. 

An abusive relationship is a relationship that is dead in the water. 

Still, from time to time, the abusive partner will give a kind of  CLICK HERE to continue reading: