"Why Do I Feel Guilty Because He Is Suffering Now?"

 

Dear Annie, 

I am now divorcing my abusive husband of the past 19 years.

 

Why do I feel guilty for letting him suffer now? Is it because he now plays the victim?

 

Why does the pain I now experience feel worse than all the tears  I've cried over the years? Is it because deep down inside I blame myself for the break-up, even though I know it is not true?

 

Thank you for the great help and example you are to me and so many other abused women

 

Marisa

 

Dear Marisa,

 

I am delighted to hear you are divorcing your abusive husband, and so will you be in due course.

 

So why do you feel guilty?

 

In part, it is habit; you have been trained to feel guilt and sadness for so long.  You have been trained into believing that anything that goes wrong in the relationship is solely your fault.  And you have been trained out of feeling joy.

 

It is terribly hard to let go of something in which you have invested so much for so long.  Because you think that your investment and your life have been wasted.

 

Not so!

 

Allow yourself to feel that sorrow.  But allow that sorrow to cleanse you, to wash away the past so you can move forward into a much, much brighter future.

 

And let me share with you a true story: when I left my abusive husband, I felt just like you do.  I joined a group for abused women.  We all felt the same.  A year later we sat in my house, having a great lunch, recounting anecdotes from our relationships and howling with laughter at our ex-spouses and ourselves.

 

It gets so much better.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Annie

 

 

Comments

[Amanda Johnson]

I love your blog. Very good. Very real. My experiences are confirmed here! Thanks and keep it up!

I'm newly married, and the shock of being loved and accepted is sometimes what triggers an avalanche of grief and guilt about "time wasted" and all of that. I find that perhaps I grew "addicted" to the drama and bad feelings and without them, with a neutral feeling I don't always feel "normal." This blog is right on target.

-Amanda Johnson
(formerly Conti for 18 years)

[maria]

This has help me understand, why i feel this way after being in a ten years relationships. He cheated on me has told me many time he cares and loves me, but not IN LOVE with me. Now i see it now that at one point towards the ends it became a verbal abusive relationships.

This message has help me cope. with my sorrow and the sadness.
I also feel after all those years

i think that my investment and life have been waste for nothing.