The Characteristics Of A Good Man

 A reader of my ezine who I have never met, but come to love from what she writes, sent me the email that follows. Having written at such length in this blog about the nature of bad men and bad relationships, it seemed timely to include my reader's description of a Good Man.  Knowing what the good looks like helps you to be clear about what is bad and why it falls short of being acceptable.

Siobhan writes:

As part of my recovery I read a lot about how to spot an abuser. However, when I met my current partner there was nothing available to tell me what most lucky people learn automatically i.e. what is a GOOD MAN like. Well after nearly two years with a good man, I thought I'd share with others what I feel a good man is like.

 

Maybe there is nobody who fits that description in your life right now. Perhaps you don’t even want to think about entertaining another man in your life at this point in time. Perhaps you are struggling to exorcise the memory of a bad man, or two. Still it is worth knowing that somewhere, out there, something much, much better is available to you and, when you are sufficiently far advanced on your healing journey, it will be within your reach.

Siobhan writes:

“I left abuse behind me many years ago, and it is still good to take credit for how far I have come.

I was walking around Marks and Spencer's a few weeks ago when this thought suddenly struck me: 'My life is no longer defined by that (abusive) relationship. It is just another chapter in my life like my school days, or certain jobs I've had'. I am free. It is a great feeling.

I developed some survival strategies when I was in an abusive relationship, like telling myself I could survive completely alone and unsupported. The result was that I became very detached and numb. I only do that on very rare occasions these days and I know now that that too will pass.

As part of my recovery I read a lot about how to spot an abuser. However, when I met my current partner there was nothing available to tell me what most lucky people learn automatically i.e. what is a GOOD MAN like. Well after nearly two years with a good man, I thought I'd share with others what I feel a good man is like.

Characteristics of a Good Man

• He listens to you.

•  He accepts that he may not actually understand what you have gone through in the past, or what you are going through in order to enter the relationship with him, and he is well aware of its importance for you.
• He is willing to meet your friends and family from time to time and to treat them with respect.

• ·He can give you honest feedback but is not critical of you.

•  He is patient and gives the relationship time to develop.

•  He has self-respect and expects your respect as well as respecting you.

•  He recognises your strengths and your courage.

• He is supportive but does not want to rescue you or be your therapist.

•  He can laugh at himself and at life.

• ·He is kind and loving - he may have ‘off days’ but even then he is still respectful and caring.

• He loves to be loved by you.

• ·He expects that you both have individual lives and want some time apart.

• ·He appreciates you exactly as you are NOW without any desire to make you change or improve.

• ·He is committed to his own happiness in life and takes full responsibility for attaining his own goals.

• ·He is committed to your happiness.

• ·He appreciates your support and does not blame you for his shortcomings.

• ·He is fun to be with, makes you laugh, and the relationship feels safe.

• You can be yourself without effort, without having to prove anything, without having to earn affection and without fear of a BACKLASH.
  

(Annie’s note: I would add to Siobhan’s list that the safety you have in the relationship with a good man actually helps create the space for you to be your best - that is most open, courageous, creative and, yes, also vulnerable – self.)

At the start of a new relationship with a good man you may still feel fear or a mixture of fear and excitement, trust and suspicion. Little words, gestures or a certain tone of voice may trigger old associations and old hurts. Be patient with yourself, keep talking to loving friends (and a therapist, if appropriate) and gradually the fear will be replaced with greater self-love as well as the love of a good man. A good man is very patient.

If your new man is pressurising you to meet more often, meet your kids, become more sexually intimate or to move in together and won't listen to your need to go slowly, then he is not right for you now.

It is ok to be alone. There is so much to be learned and enjoyed alone.

When you are ready there is so much joy and beauty, peace of mind and sheer pleasure to be shared with a man who truly loves you as you love him.

Much love

Siobhan”

Whatever your current situation, Siobhan’s description is a useful yardstick, for the past, the future and how you deserve to be treated; by a partner certainly, but in many ways by friends also. 

Never, ever settle for less.

 

Comments

[rabbi]

Dear Annie,

My wife walked out of the marriage, with our 2 year old daughter, saying
1.I'm a control freak
2.she has no space to breath
3.I'm blind to her feelings

6 months now, been through lot of revelations about myself with help of my counsellor. I really wan't to get her back into my life, but I'm worried I would repeat the cycle of above three points at some point of time. How do I save my family from this dangerous course and regain our relationship?

Thanks.

[lifemadesimple]

Annie Kaszina says:

Hi TG,

I was so sorry to read your comment.

You come into your girlfriend's life, you are prepared to help her grow, be her friend and lover, and then, when it should all really start to work out for you both, it falls apart.

There can be no doubt that being in an abusive relationship, makes intimacy look very, very unsafe.

Your girlfriend had the motivation to get away from her abusive husband. Being in a loving relationship is clearly more challenging for her.

It's hard to know what is going on in your girlfriend's mind from what you say. The thing is, as you already know, you are left with very few options. She doesn't want to hear about your feelings, and she is probably finding it extremely hard to feel needed by you.

The aftermath of an abusive relationship is difficult to handle. It may be that she is projecting old experiences onto the present and hearing in your words echoes of what her husband once said, whether or not there is any real similarity.

You ask what you can do. You have already done everything you can; you have loved and supported your girlfriend every way you could.

In the end you cannot do it for her, and you can't do any more for her. The only person who can ever confront and resolve that old trauma is your girlfriend herself. Maybe she is now filled with the anger she dared not express before. Who knows?

You have given your girlfriend the gift of your love. At the moment, she is not in a place to love or appreciate it. Hard as that is to acknowledge, the most useful thing you can do is respect that that is where she is.

You have helped her once to stand up to an abusive partner. Much as you may like to help her this time, you cannot. Nor should you. She has to do this one for herself before she can be her own person. She has to learn to respect her own strength and courage before she can allow you too.

I wish I could tell you this will all work out well. The truth is I have no idea. But we both know that telling her you love her and pleading with her does not work. So you really have to do something different, not least so that you can take care of yourself and not become any more of a casualty of the abusive relationship than you are already.

Tell your girlfriend calmly that you love her deeply and care about her wellbeing. Tell her also that you respect her wishes, much as you would love to be with her, it will only ever be valuable when she is ready to come back to you and acknowledge the value of your love.

Then do as much as much as you can to get back into your life. Doing that will earn her respect and ease your daily torture.

And know that love, by which I mean healthy love, is never wasted. Your capacity to love will serve you well.

Someone will truly appreciate all that you have to offer and be delighted to return your love. Whether or not it will be your current girlfriend only time will tell.

But you owe it yourself, and her, to step out of this pain before the hurt and the recriminations start to remind you both of what she has already been through.

[TG]

I've been struggling during the past couple of months witnessing my girlfriend going through a transition period in her life. She comes from an abusive marriage which lasted more than 5 years. She was recently divorced. I, of course helped her to gain self-confidence and independence in order to achieve her strength and stand up to her ex.

She said she loved me and couldn't wait until we were together. I have tried to be her friend, lover, and supporter during this time.

But during the past couple of months, I have witnessed her distancing herself from me. No matter how hard I try, she continued to distance herself from me. We went from being extremely intimate (a few times per week) to once per month. First I thought maybe there was another guy in her life, however, after further reading, I came to the conclusion that she is going through her recovery period from her abusive marriage.

This has been the most difficult experience I have encountered in my life. It is so hard to love someone and not be able to express your feelings/emotions. I've been depressed, sad, frustrated, and sometimes angry. How can someone go from one side of the spectrum of loving you and couldn't wait until together to a the other side of not wanting to spend any time with you??

I need her more than anything in this world. She means a lot to me but I am suffering a great deal because of this. She doesn’t want to see me and if she does, it will only be as friends. I have told her that it will always be more than friendship. She is afraid of relationships, commitments, obligations, and getting close to someone.

She doesn’t know if she will ever have another relationship. She doesn’t want to get married or have any children.

If you are in a similar shoes as my girlfriend, I would appreciate you write back and tell me what I may or may not to. How long will this healing/recovery period may take? What to expect? I have ordered some books from Amazon but I don't believe any of them talk about what the partner or hope to be a partner should do during this time.

I fit the description of "The Characteristics Of A Good Man" mentioned above very well.

Your comment and assistance on this matter will greatly be appreciated.

Regards,
TG

[Shannon]

Why do I continue to believe my abuser. I have been married for seven yrs. to a man that calls me stupid, digusting, and tells me he hates me. He witholds affection and love to control me, and has isolated me from friends and family. However, the pleas and crying that "I'll change" are so strong that I want to believe him, or maybe I just feel sorry for him. He makes light of our situation in order to make me feel like I'm the crazy one. Although I feel all alone, I know I'm not. But how can I make that final step to let go, and why is it sooo hard???
Help!!

[Leti]

When I am on a date, these are the traits I look for in a man. I must say that the more educated I have become about abuse the better my judgement gets when it comes to spotting someone who has abusive qualities. I wish I had become more educated about abuse 10 years ago. Oh well, I guess it happened when it was supposed to. At least now I know exactly what it is that I want and refuse to settle for anything less. Thanks God!