Abused No More

The Characteristics Of A Good Man

 A reader of my ezine who I have never met, but come to love from what she writes, sent me the email that follows. Having written at such length in this blog about the nature of bad men and bad relationships, it seemed timely to include my reader's description of a Good Man.  Knowing what the good looks like helps you to be clear about what is bad and why it falls short of being acceptable.

Siobhan writes:

As part of my recovery I read a lot about how to spot an abuser. However, when I met my current partner there was nothing available to tell me what most lucky people learn automatically i.e. what is a GOOD MAN like. Well after nearly two years with a good man, I thought I'd share with others what I feel a good man is like.

Are You Waiting To Be Invited?

       

        In my last post I spoke of a woman,         who like so many abused women, settles for crumbs from the banquet of         life, because she does not really believe that there is a banquet out         there.

       

        One reader emailed me to disagree with my         viewpoint.  I was, she felt, too harsh in my judgements.   She had         reached the stage (still a way short of rock bottom) of accepting that         she was a miserable person to be around. Hence her partner could not be         blamed for expressing his distaste for her.  In other words, the process         of emotional pulverization was so far advanced that she had lost sight         of all that he had said and done to reduce her to that         state.   

       

        I can remember feeling like that also, and         challenging the few people who were concerned enough to tell me my         relationship was toxic.  (It undoubtedly was.)  But I had to believe in         something.   

       

        When you can’t believe in yourself, you         end up clutching at the nearest thing that looks halfway solid.  That         thing is most usually your abusive partner. 

       

        My reader ended her email with these         words: 

"How Long Will You Settle For Crumbs?"

I’ve been working with a woman who can neither give up her abusive partner nor be with him.

She can’t be with him because she can no longer blind herself to the fatal flaws in the relationship. But she can’t let him go because of the good moments they share together every so often.

She still fails to see the mechanism at work there, that the good moments are the bait on his hook that keeps her biting. 

Perhaps she fails to see that because she cannot bear to confront her own motivation. She needs to believe that those good moments are a taster of all that she can still have with this man, if she just tries a little harder and makes a few more sacrifices. 

Even, or maybe I should say especially, she is tiring of her own stubbornness. Yet she cannot let go.

Why?  CLICK HERE to find out why and how she can start to let go right now.

"Your future is not in the past"

This weekend I was talking to someone about his past difficulties and future vision. In the midst of a torrent of words, for this is someone who never uses 10 words when 100 might make the idea marginally clearer, he said: “My future is not in the past”.           

I heard nothing of what he said over the next few minutes.  Eventually I roused myself from my reverie to ask him if I could quote him on that.   

“What?” he asked. 

“What you just said”, I replied.  “My future is not in the past.”

He had no idea of the power of what he had  said. CLICK HERE to discover how this statement applies to abused women.