In my new home I notice my pace of life has changed a lot. Truth to tell, it has slowed down. I, who have always raced from one task to the next, find myself lingering over breakfast because I sit where the sunlight comes in through my window.
It took me a couple of weeks pottering around cleaning my already clean hob, or polishing the kettle (and pinching myself because I only ever did that stuff under duress) to understand what was going on. Because I am no domestic goddess, you understand.
What I was really doing was being happy. And what I discovered was that this kind of happiness, which is all about contentment and being at peace, takes time.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that cleaning a hob or polishing that peculiarly British necessity the kettle, is essential to happiness. I am simply recording another – joyful - stage along the journey to healing.
In an abusive relationship your time and your state cease to be your own. Whether or not your abusive partner is with you all the time he casts a long shadow. This is exactly the way he wants it. If he is to have the power over you that he desires, then you must feel anxious on his account at all times.
That anxiety, or fear, may be about his behaviour towards you, or others; what he has just said or done; what he might say or do. From his point of view, your ideal state is one of fearfulness, because that equates to powerlessness.
Provided he can keep you in that or a related state his work is done, his objective is achieved. He can do that and get his pay off even after the relationship is officially over. Abusers most commonly linger, like a bad smell, even after a relationship break-up because they still need to control your emotional state.
Whether they are motivated by conscious cunning or plain low cunning doesn’t matter. The fact is, at some level they know that you can only entertain one emotional state at a time. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say you can only entertain one emotional spectrum at any given time. The spectrum of fear and misery is the one that best serves their purpose, because it diminishes you.
With enough work on their part - and where that kind of work is concerned they are tireless - this negative spectrum becomes your emotional default setting, as it did mine. Naturally this impacts on your expectations and your behaviours. When fear and misery are your emotional ‘drivers’ you will either throw yourself headlong into activity in an attempt to outrun your state, or try to numb it through medication, alcohol, drugs, or food. None of them work very well.
So what can you do to replace that fearful, low state?
The short answer is that you have to do something. Only do something appropriate and it will change. Your options include coaching, NLP, Theta, TFT and EFT and my book, “The Woman You Want To Be”. There are fee paying options and free options. Paying fees will ensure you have professional support. The free options will require more effort on your part.
If paying fees is not an option and you are prepared to put in that effort, EFT is a great starting point. You can download FREE EFT information with all you need to get started from: http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp If you are not yet ready to read through the manual, then at least commit to spending a few minutes daily affirming to yourself out loud: “Even though I am in this fearful, powerless state I love and accept myself totally.”
There is a story of a man who was determined to win the lottery. It never happened. The years passed, he grew old and his financial situation became more and more dire. In desperation, one day, he ran out into the street, threw up his hands and berated God: “I really need this money. I don’t understand it. I’ve prayed. I’ve thought about winning the lottery every single day for 20 years. What more could I do?”
A voice boomed out from Heaven saying: “You could have bought a lottery ticket.”
What will you do?