How I Found The Courage To Leave

Let’s be very clear about this: like many, many other abused women I did not have the courage to leave. Rather I spent years fantasizing about leaving, often wanting desperately to leave, and never daring to do so. I hated myself for my lack of courage, while my then husband knew it was something else he could use to humiliate me.

In those days I didn’t understand about patterns and contracts in relationships. My ex-husband and I got together at a time when I was struggling. It’s a common story. He rescued me. At the time I believed that being rescued was my best case scenario.

I didn’t know that rescue tends to come at a very high price. Nor did I know that dealing with the difficulties would have been more painful in the short term, but hugely empowering over the medium and long term.

In the best of all possible worlds, a rescuer would step in, help you through the immediate difficulty and then give you the space and the support to get back on your feet. Most rescuers don’t operate like that. Most abusive men who ‘rescue’ damsels in distress run a different program, a program whereby they win and you lose.

Abusive men will rescue you in the first instance, so that you will then feel obliged to rescue them for ever after. But that’s not all.

Abusive men are not remotely interested in helping you get back on your feet; they are interested in keeping you dependent. They are also extremely good at it – it’s a key life skill for them - which is why abused women in general, and I in particular, found it so hard to leave. They reinforce your feelings of weakness (and self-loathing) when they endlessly throw it back in your face.

What led me to leave was a painting. Maybe it only happened because I could never have predicted the course of events, never seen it coming.

It happened like this. After over 20 years in my miserable marriage I fell madly in love one day with a painting I saw in - of all places - a kitchen shop in Rome.

At the time I was training full-time as an Alexander Technique teacher and had almost no income coming in.  My self-worth was at an all time low when I saw the painting (by a then undiscovered master Moreno Bondi www.morenobondi.it ) and it 'spoke' to me.  I knew I had to have it.  The then husband, a highly paid professional, asked me how I was going to pay for it.  I replied that I would sell a few pieces of old furniture that I owned.

It’s a long story but I sold the furniture, started clearing clutter from my home and the last and best thing I cleared was the then husband.  The painting remains among my most treasured possessions, both because of its own beauty and all that it symbolizes. 

I discovered that my courage and self-worth had been eroded over the years by an abusive relationship (I truly hadn't known). I now use all that I have learned to help other women along their road to healing and self-worth.

I now have a life I truly love that fulfils and challenges me and takes me in directions I would never have imagined, whereas before I was merely "tiptoeing through life to arrive safely at death".

What I have learned, and what I now teach, is that courage may be that big leap in the dark, or if you have been really beaten down by life, as many people are, then courage is a process.  The beauty of it is that you only have to start the process, wherever and however you can and a domino effect will ensue.  It really doesn't matter how small your first steps are, the knock-on effect will be powerful and beneficial beyond anything that you can imagine at the start. 

Nor is courage necessarily something that you have to screw up when you feel scared out of your head.  For me it started when that painting fed into a passion I have always had for Italy and all things Italian. 

If someone could have told me how things would pan out just before I set foot in that shop, I would have laughed in disbelief.  And yet... 

I guess that courage was given to me, in the measure that I've needed all along the way, when I trusted the stirrings of my heart.

I believe that courage will be given to you also. Just be warned, courage feels a lot like fear.

Courage is a label that defines our actions rather than our feelings. Don’t ever sell yourself short again by believing that you can’t be courageous because you don’t feel courageous.

It’s a myth that you need courage before you can make big changes in your life. You don’t need courage at all. You just need to heed that small inner voice and take the small steps that you can, bearing in mind that all roads will lead you somewhere other than where you are stuck right now.

 

Comments

[S]

I have a friend who has reframed things for me. You are not trapped..that was what I ALWAYS said to myself and felt with my energy draining away...you have done your best so far and now you are taking a break before carrying on to another small step of victory. Also, I found it very helpful to write down what he was doing and having gone back to reread some items am shocked that I have put up with this. The quandray as some have mentioned are the head games where the kids are concerned and that is my 'button' mine pushes. My friend works with kids and has asked me to ask them what do they want me to do..intervene when he is being horrible to them (verbally) or not. They have all told me emphatically to stay out of it. Now I need to do babysteps (finances, first) before I can leave. My daughter especially is losing faith in my abilitry to be a 'together' person and so now I need to leave not just for me but for her so she sees that you can end such arediculous situation where one person thinks he is king yet whines he is bullied etc. when I attempt to be an equal partner. This is very hard but if we reframe it we can end it. Our kids will survive and thrive if we can show them that they can get help and that this is not allowed toward us. The other thing is ..they will not change so try, try , try to care about YOU and what you need..this is very hard as we feel tremendous guilt when someone is unhapy and that sways us..but what about YOUR unhappiness?? Don't you count?? best; wishes as we have all lived and are living such similar lives you would think our collective energy could pull us out.

[Annie]

Well, if you don't leave, Sue, the decision is meaningless. Life outside the cage is far better than you could possibly imagine.

[sue hall]

making the decision to leave is easy, doing it is the hardest part. A big weight lifted from my shoulders when i made my disicion to leave, i felt like a bird that had been let out the cage. will i leave? i wonder.

[Sonya]

Ugh,
I'm trying to be couragous but don't know if I can pull it off. It's almost easier staying in the relationship "hoping" I can make it through. Then I feel bad for wanting out because he's nice for a minute. He's "sorry" it will "never happen again". He's not working.We have four kids I'm working full time and going to school full time. How will I make it on my own????? praying for strength and courage

[Venus]

I feel like I'm trapped as well. Those were my exact words tonight. He says he records every thing I say or do to make me look bad, tells me he wants me to leave, says he'll use all he's gathered against me when I do. He'll say that he won't use it against me sometimes but I know deep down that would only be the case if I did exactly what he wanted me to do with custody of our kids together. He threatens to call my little girl's dad and tell him things so I'll lose her too. He calls me names, belittles me in every way possible. I have no job and was going to school until he somehow talked me into quitting. I had an ex who I talked to about the situation and he found out about it and accused me of cheating on him but yet since we've been together he's told me that he still contacted his exes because they were his friends. Like, it was ok for him but not for me. He's wishy washy with rules and feel like I can't do anything right. I feel blackmailed, unloved, unwanted, and "trapped".

[Stella]

I too am "frozen" in my lack of courage to leave, my self-loathing and most of all my fear of the unknown, and fear of not being able to support our very young son and myself and also a massive fear of his retaliation towards us if I ever leave, I oftentime's resign myself to the what I believe is the fact that I am trapped and have absolutely no better choice than to remain here, at least until our son is 18, at least I can be around him 100% of the time, if I leave I fear all of the sudden his Dad will "want" to be Super-Dad, and get custody, or at least 50% which would be a total joke, as he barely spends time with him while living w/him, it would be out of pure venegance, but I wouldn't put it past him. I feel I must stay to prevent this. I truely feel as if I am trapped.