Hi there,
And thanks for stopping by.
In order to serve you better this blog has now moved to:
http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com
You'll find the same great information, but a more user-friendly format.
So, please, drop by, collect your free report, and join the community at:
http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com
Looking forward to 'seeing' you there,
Warm wishes for your recovery,
Annie
The news of Gerry Rafferty’s death felt like a personal loss. Rafferty was the poet whose song “Baker Street” epitomizes hopium addiction*, and the broken dreams of an abusive relationship.
“Baker Street” was the soundtrack of my hopeless marriage. Gerry Rafferty, in case you don’t know the name, was a singer-songwriter who co-founded Stealer’s Wheel, and went on to write “Baker St”. If you haven’t heard “Baker Street” you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHWJOUiKvRk&feature=fvst
I spent a few of those years before ‘I’d be happy’ - quite literally - walking down Baker St to see my beloved psychotherapist, with Rafferty’s song reverberating in my head. Jack knew my marriage was doomed. Still, he couldn’t explain why it was doomed, because emotional abuse wasn’t on his map of the world. So, he couldn’t help me break free of it.
Jack managed to convey his belief that I was a valuable human being, but he was not able to teach me to love myself. He couldn’t understand how an emotionally abuse relationship undermines a person.
The lines that reverberated in my head through those years were these:
“You used to think that it was so easy,
You used to say that it was so easy
But you’re tryin’, you’re tryin’ now.
Another year and then you’d be happy
Just one more year and then you’d be happy
But you’re cryin’, you’re cryin’ now.”
I invested a lot of ‘one more years’ waiting to arrive at the tipping point of happiness, believing, against all odds, that the investment would one day come good.
It never happened. Those years were an emotional desert.
Rafferty had a violent, heavy drinking father, and a mother who “stayed in the relationship for her son”. Small wonder “Baker Street” conveys all the misery of an abusive relationship so poignantly.
Small wonder, too, perhaps, that this creative, intelligent man drank himself to death.
That one more year and then he’d be happy never came, for him.
How much longer can you wait for it to come around for you?
If you’re pinning your last hopes on somebody undergoing a transformation to make that dream of happiness come true, then you’ll be crying now…
Or, worse still, you may be numb.
If you’ve had enough of “One More Year…” and you’d rather be happy NOW, let me help you. My 17 week course, starting February 7th is probably the most comprehensive course available – anywhere - to help you find the courage, the faith, and the self-love to walk away from a situation that is bleeding you dry.
Find out more here.
If you feel you’ve waited too long for happiness already, sign up now.
You DON’T have to live your life on Baker Street.
* hopium addiction – the groundless hope that a toxic relationship will one day change for the better, just because you want it to.
January 05, 2011 in Domestic abuse, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence Recovery, Emotional Abuse Recovery, Women's emotional abuse recovery | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
It’s that time of year again.
And if you’re not in a relationship - or not in the relationship that you’d like to be in, you may be feeling going through one of those Beggar-At-The-Feast moments.
Not fun, eh?
So, here’s something you might like to think about instead:
Christmas, and the summer holiday period, are the two biggest times for relationship breakdown.
Come January 3rd, ‘Family Law’ lawyers can look forward to a load of new work.
Why?
Because Christmas, and holidays, are times when fantasy and reality collide. Everything has to be perfect, especially if the run up has been anything but perfect.
It all relates to the little known disease of “fairytale-itis”.
It’s a nasty disease, to be sure.
And one not best treated with either drugs, or a sharp dose of reality.
Fairytale-itis is something most little girls contract in childhood. It lies dormant until they kiss their first frog, or Beast, or handsome prince.
Then it triggers all kinds of madness including:
Need I go on?
So, you don’t have the relationship you think you want this Christmas.
I hate to tell you this, but …
That’s probably cause for rejoicing.
Why?
Because, Ms Partner-Pleaser, the relationship you think you want is NOT really good enough. It’s just not good enough for you. It’s based on what you think you can have; that is, what you would be willing to settle for.
It’s not based on the…
joyful 100% unconditional love and acceptance of you that you DESERVE, just because…
Because you’re you
And you’re human
And you’re perfectly lovable, warts and all.
Of course, you’re not perfect…
But why should you be?
Perfection is overrated.
(Prince Charming wasn’t perfect, just good looking - allegedly - financially secure, and a bit smarmy!!)
But this isn’t about him, so let’s get back to you.
You’re perfectly imperfect, and that is more than good enough.
Now, all you need to do is ATTRACT that person who will cherish and adore your perfect imperfection.
But here’s the deal:
Before another person can cherish and adore your perfect imperfection, you have to start doing that for yourself.
And that’s why Fairytale-itis is so pernicious. Fairytale-itis tells you that you only have to be as pretty and sweet as you possibly can be, and then sit quietly on your hands… and wait for someone to sweep you off to that “Whole New World”…
That one never works.
(The Whole New World where you can gape at them adoringly, have their babies, clean their palace, and walk in their shadow.)
Besides,
Princes have big heads, low concentration spans and, to top it all off, they are very, very self-indulgent.
Is that what you want?
I thought not.
Quality men, on the other hand, will be magnetized by your quietly confident – or noisily confident, if you prefer – perfect imperfection.
Honestly, it beats sexy underwear, backflips, servile adoration, and the whole fairytale-itis kit and kaboodle.
What’s even better is that embracing your perfect imperfection – so other people can do so, too – is a lot of fun.
If you’re ready to have more fun, and much, much better relationships in 2011, let me help you.
Keep your eyes on your Inbox, for more great stuff.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful, love-filled 2011,
December 23, 2010 in Domestic Violence Recovery, Emotional Abuse Recovery, Mental Abuse Recovery, Women's emotional abuse recovery | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
“It’s like I’m standing on the diving board”, she said. “I’ve been standing there for so long now, and I still can’t find the courage to dive. Much as I want to.”
Everything Susie said was self-critical. She should have jumped by now. She should have left her abusive husband.
She wasn’t prepared to cut herself any slack at all.
Intellectually, she knew everything I - or anyone else - could tell her.
But, still, there she was, paralyzed, by the knowledge that she had to dive. (Because it’s not what you know with your head that matters; what matters is getting your heart to the point of letting go of this relationship that does NOT work.)
Susie’s knowledge hadn’t percolated through to heart level, yet.
She remained poised on that diving board, agonizing over her next move: should it be a forward dive, or a backward dive, an inward dive, or an armstand dive…”
She asked me: “How did you find the courage to leave?”
I found myself laughing as a vision popped, unbidden, into my mind.
You see, the truth is, I didn’t find the courage to leave. Not really.
I stood on that diving board, and stood on that diving board, every muscle tensed for action and…
Eventually, the time came when I fell off.
Period.
Think about it for a moment. You stand on that diving board. Either you face the water or you face the steps back down to the ground). You concentrate so hard on what you have to do, and the difficulties of what you have to do, that every muscle is quivering.
You stand there, and stand there, thinking about how you have to get the dive absolutely right. So you focus on getting yourself into the perfect position.
And because nobody’s there to fire a starting pistol for you, you can carry on standing there, focusing as hard as you can on the dive you’re going to perform, desperately straining every muscle…
After a while, your muscles go into spasm.
That’s more or less what happened to me.
One fateful day, while I was still up there focusing on how and when I was going to dive (and, BTW, I hate heights, they make my head spin) I ended up with severe cramps and, …
I just plain fell off that diving board.
It didn’t happen as the result of a conscious decision.
I have to admit that it wasn’t graceful or elegant.
But, here’s the thing, it didn’t have to be.
It wasn’t the Olympic games. There were no medals to be had for the quality of my descent. There was absolutely nobody to watch or judge me; except me.
Once I started falling, I was too busy organizing my body to worry about other people’s judgements.
And, you know what?
The landing wasn’t too bad, at all.
By the time I entered the water, all the mental preparation I’d done, made it rather easier than I’d feared it might be.
Sure I made a bit of a splash, but that was no big deal. It’s not a spectator sport.
The water was more welcoming than I’d thought.
Coming back up to the surface was easier than I’d imagined.
Staying afloat was less trouble than I’d anticipated.
And I realized, the important thing had never been making the perfect dive off that diving board.
The only important thing had been whether there was water in the pool, or not, to cushion my landing. And, of course, there was.
Whether you jump off that diving board, fall off it, or hang on up there with your muscles in spasm for that little bit longer, the fact is, you’re safe.
You will be okay.
I hope you’ll take your leave of that diving board in 2011. You’ve no need to stay up there any longer.
You’ve done your time.
Your life is waiting for you down in the pool.
When you are ready to take your leave of that diving board, I’d love to help and support you. It will make the process easier for you, and the landing softer.
I was talking with a client who is taking that long, long walk away from her abusive husband and into freedom.
And, yes, it feels like a frustrating journey that never reaches its destination because every step feels like a ‘baby step’ - and baby steps seem so small, and insignificant, when there is such a mountain to scale…
But they are not.
Never underestimate the power in those baby steps.
My client is at the stage of asking hard questions and looking for answers. One of the questions she asked is: “Why doesn’t he care about my feelings?”
It’s a reasonable question – from the point of view of the abused woman.
She does everything she can to love and support her man, and you might think he would appreciate this…
But abusive men don’t appreciate what you do.
They expect it, sure, but they don’t appreciate it.
Of course, that is a violation of everything you are led to expect: generally speaking, one good turn deserves another.
That’s not what happens in the Abusive Kingdom.
My client was still struggling to understand – at heart level – why that is.
I said to her: “Abusive men really do not like women. In fact, they hate them. They hate women in general, and your partner hates you in particular.”
Now, quite a lot of abusive men run after every woman that has a pulse. But that still doesn’t mean they like women. It simply means that they hunt women. They collect ‘scalps’, as it were. They treat women as objects.
They may appear to like the odd one or two unattainable ones (my was-band was particularly warmly disposed towards a beautiful lesbian friend of mine).
They may profess to like the ones who are misguided enough to like them. But still, by and large, they hate women.
And the closer a woman gets to an abusive man, the more he gives expression to that hatred.
My client was, understandably, shocked to hear that she had spent years with a man who hates women, and hates her.
Still, she couldn’t quite internalize the enormity of it. She asked:
“But why does he do things that make me unhappy?”
I tried explaining that happy people feel more empowered, and less isolated and dependent than unhappy people.
And then I explained it to her this way:
“When you meet an abusive man, clearly, you don’t know he is abusive, or you wouldn’t be there. You’re looking for a partner, and you assess his potential to be a good partner – to the best of your knowledge. He, on the other hand, is looking for… not so much a servant as a slave.
The abusive man is looking for someone who will serve him 24-7 in various departments of his life: the bedroom, the kitchen, the finance department, parenting – both of his children, and himself – and so on, and so forth.
But more than that, the abusive man is someone who will carry a heavy load of loathing - his loathing both for himself and for other people.
He is looking for someone he can dump that load on, forever after.
Enter the loving, supportive, biddable, naïve woman…
You know what happens next.
What he needs is for you to carry that heavy load on your back, forever after. Provided your back looks nearly strong enough, and your shoulders nearly broad enough, he attaches himself to you.
He needs you...
He needs you to be bent double, carrying that weight for him, so that he can stand up straight, and feel free of it.
Now, of course, it is the case with healthy partners that both partners want to remove all heavy loads from the relationship.
Abusers are different. Abusers start from the premise that there is, always has been, and always will be, a heavy load to carry. Therefore they need someone to carry it for them.
That person is you.
(That’s why it’s always felt like such hard work.)
That’s why they can’t bear it when you feel happy, when you enjoy good times with friends, family or children, when you have plans for your own life.
You’ve put their load down!
They can’t tolerate that.
You’re not allowed to do that.
It's not part of your job description; as far as they are concerned.
You are their emotional slave, after all.
Spoiling the moment, and treating you badly is their way of putting the load straight back on your shoulders.
That’s all that matters to them.
When you are bent double under their load of negative feelings that is – quite literally – a huge weight off their shoulders.
That’s why they don’t want you to be happy; or, more precisely, can’t bear it when you are happy for more than about a nanosecond.
It’s not nice. It’s not reassuring. And it’s not about you.
That is simply the dynamic of abusive relationships. And that’s why there is no point hanging around trying to change them.
My client wept down the phone as she asked herself – not for the first time: “How could he treat me like that?”
She’d met a man who led her to believe he was The One, and she’d fallen head-over-heels (or should that be head-over-Heel?) in love.
You know as well as I do what happened next. He was an abuser. He lied, deceived, hurt and humiliated her.
Months later - like all abused women - she was still asking: “How could he?”
The short answer is: he did because he could.
The long answer hinges on his inadequacies, and needing to hurt her to feel like a Big Man. But the short answer is more useful here.
Falling-In-Love stinks because…
Imagine it is the end of an unbearably hot day. You’re worn out, drained, crying out for a pool of cool water, so you can wash off the hassles of the day. And you’re a long, long way from home, travelling without a clear direction. As night falls, you come across someone who is walking in the same direction as you.
He strikes up a conversation. You talk about the day and you tell him you’re looking for a pool of cool water to bathe in. You just want to relax, let go, and feel the sense of peace and well-being that being immersed in cool, clear water gives you.
He not only seems to understand, he tells you that he knows just such a place. In fact, he’s heading there, himself.
He invites you to travel along the journey with him.
You agree.
He’s nice enough, after all.
He wants the same thing you want.
He’s sympathetic to your feelings.
You prefer having pleasant company to travelling the road, at night, all alone.
By the time you finally reach the place he told you about, you’ve discovered you have a lot in common. He thinks as you think about a lot of things. He’s made you laugh, and lifted your mood.
You’re tired of being hot, sticky, and tired out. There’s something magical about the stillness of the place, the dying heat of the day, the darkness. It’s so dark by now, that you’ve let him take your hand to guide you.
He leads you to the place – a swimming pool, he now tells you, not a natural pond, but, hey, that’s all right, it’s still cool, fresh water – and he says to you: “Dive in. I’ll join you in just a moment.”
You can’t wait to shed the troubles of the day. So you do what he says.
You dive in.
And you hit your head on the bottom.
Hard.
Why?
Because there was no water in that pool.
You hadn’t stopped to check, because you couldn’t see clearly, and you’d built up what felt like a relationship with him.
And you would never have imagined he could deliberately do something like that to you, because you would never, ever do something that nasty to another person…
And Falling-In-Love is exactly like diving into a swimming pool without taking the time to notice whether or not it is filled with water.
I have a lot of time for love. As far as I’m concerned, loving someone worthy and being well loved by that person is as good as it gets.
But that’s all about a mutually loving relationship.
It’s a far cry from Falling-In-Love.
Falling-In-Love, as far as I can see, is about leaping without looking.
Falling-In-Love lays you open to the whole unsavory pack of jerks, abusers, and narcissists.
I asked my client whether she would take a job without first finding out about the pay and terms of employment. She sounded surprised. She answered, briskly: “Of course not.”
Then she saw the connection.
You don’t have to fall in love on Day 1, Day 2, or Day 20.
Falling-In-Love is optional, not obligatory – although it is a neat way of silencing the little voice in your head that says: “Er… I don’t think so. This one is NOT for me!”
Falling-In-Love throws a thick blanket of fantasy over an unpromising reality… for a little while. It allows you not to look at your niggling doubts about the person.
Then the blanket dissolves leaving you with a very, very sore heart.
Even if you do feel yourself Falling-In-Love – it happens - there is no sense in diving into the relationship blind. First, you want to be very sure that you will not hit your head, very hard, on a concrete floor.
Abusive men often tell us they’re no good. And we don’t believe them!
Which means we fail to trust the evidence of our eyes, our ears – and our intuition.
Falling-In-Love is a wonderful, chemical ‘high’.
And it stinks.
You pay way too high a price for that high.
Because Falling-In-Love means you don’t take the time to really check out whether the man is an abusive jerk, or Mr Perfect-for-You.
So, am I saying “give up, or get a marriage broker”?
Not at all.
What I am saying is that giving your love, and trust, to another person is probably the most important investment you will ever make in your personal life.
Do it carefully.
Learn to love another person by inches – or centimetres, if you prefer.
And start to love yourself – IN SPADES – first.
There comes a point in every abusive relationship when you know you should get out.
Your abusive partner is making you miserable, you know the relationship is all wrong and, as far as you can see, your life has stopped dead…
But still you stay.
We’ve all done it.
The little voice of intuition told me my marriage was over about 6 weeks in, but that didn’t stop me staying for some 20 years.
We know we should leave, but we don’t.
Instead, we ask ourselves:
“What’s wrong with me?”
And we come up with a load of answers – all of them wrong…
But we stay, and we keep on asking the same old question: “What’s wrong with me?”
So, what is wrong with you?
What was wrong with me?
Try this one on for size:
You were brought up to be “nice”. You were brought up to be nice: your role was to please other people and delay gratification. The idea of being rewarded by pleasure now was programmed out of you.
You were taught what you had to do for others. You weren’t taught that other people had a duty to reciprocate.
Still less were you taught to select your friends, and partner, only from those people who did meet your kindness with kindness, your thoughtfulness with thoughtfulness, your selflessness with selflessness.
I’ve noticed that whenever I talk with abused women about selflessness in a partner, it raises a wry smile of disbelief.
“Could selflessness possibly be a two-way street?”
So, let’s do a quick reality check:
Because you haven’t experienced it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Because you have experienced a load of selfish, hurtful, destructive behaviour, that doesn’t make selfish, hurtful, destructive behaviour the norm. And it certainly doesn’t make it acceptable.
It’s been normal for your abusive husband.
It may have been normal in your family of origin.
Being on the receiving end of abusive treatment has become normal for you.
It’s been programmed into you for so long that you have developed an abused persona.
That persona is not who you truly are.
It puts me in mind of the story of the lion who thought he was a sheep. If you don’t know already know that story, you can read it here:
You’re not a sheep.
You are actually a lioness.
Maybe it’s not time for you to leave the grassy valley, yet. Maybe, you don’t feel you have the strength to climb the mountain, yet.
Although, if you realized who you truly are, that mountain would draw you to it.
But one thing you can do right now:
You can find better answers to that question: “What’s wrong with me?”
Your programming is wrong – and once you make the decision to change it, you’ll be amazed to see yourself grow into your true stature.
That’s all that’s ‘wrong’ with you.
Oh, and the question is a poor one.
So, you don’t feel like heading off the mountain just now. That’s okay, Leonie <g>.
But please, please, change the question.
Ask yourself not what’s wrong with you - you already know the answer to that: your programming is out, at the moment. Normally, when that happens, you get the programming – or the software - sorted out, you don’t just give up on the hardware. Do you?
Here are a couple of questions to help you start reprogramming the software:
Dear Annie,
I hope you don't mind me e-mailing in, like this. I have been reading your web site and articles and I think they are excellent.
I may or may not be in a situation like the people in the articles. I may not be an abused woman. My problem is that I am a very selfish, self-centered person and I have ruined my husband's life by being selfish and having no empathy towards him or anyone else. He is always very angry with me on this account and he even says I have a personality disorder, which I have heard is incurable.
I even feel selfish writing this, but we have three children who might be affected by my behavior and I'd like to know how to minimise the effects of it and how to be empathetic. I try so hard never to think of myself and to monitor everything I say, do, feel and think in case it's horrible (the word he used was narcissism) but it is only effective up to a point.
Do you have any advice for this situation?
Yours in hope
Allie
Dear Allie,
Yes, I do have advice for you. That advice is to stop listening to your husband right away.
Your husband tells you that you are selfish, self-centred, and you have ruined your his life.
What a poor hard done by victim he is!
But, also, what a negative, critical, fault-finding, punitive, blaming partner he is.
If he’s that unhappy, why hasn't he left you long ago?
Unless, the reason he stays with you is because, actually, he enjoys blaming you for ‘ruining his life’…
I’m guessing he gets a real high out of telling you how awful you are.
Now, in my book, that is selfish, and destructive. It is the hallmark of an abusive man. You don’t have to be an Einstein to know that it points to a complete lack of empathy… on his part.
What proof do I have for saying that?
All the proof I need.
Let me explain:
If there were ANY truth in what your abusive husband was saying, you would not feel selfish writing to me.
In fact, you wouldn't even bother to write to me.
You know why?
Because you wouldn't care less about what you had 'done to him'.
In reality, you care very deeply. And that is one of the hallmarks of an abused woman. You care far more about other people's feelings than you do about your own.
The truth is, your abusive partner is saying some very cruel - and UNTRUE - things about you, which are hurting you very much. And he doesn't care in the slightest how much he hurts you.
Which is one of the unmistakable features of emotionally abusive relationships.
My advice to you is find out what is really going on, and stop letting him hurt you like this.
My program "It's Emotional Abuse. Don't Try To Fix It" may be just what you need to understand what is really going on in your marriage.
Warm wishes,
Annie
You want a wonderful relationship, but do you know what you need to do to create it? These 10 tips will give priceless pointers to what works, what doesn’t, and how to create a great relationship right from the get go - or what went wrong from Day 1 to create the relationship you are in today.
1. The things you sweep under the carpet will, one day, destroy the carpet.
It’s very easy, at the start of a relationship, to overlook the things that don’t sit well with you. Maybe you think the two of you will be able to ‘thrash them out’ together, at a later date. Maybe you think that love, like a bath of acid will dissolve those gritty little problems – and those gritty, not-so-little problems, also. That is wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is the highway to unhappiness.
2. ‘Chemistry’ usually has a short shelf-life. Chemistry, generally, means that another person’s teeth fit your wounds. Or, if you prefer, ‘chemistry’ describes the powerful attraction and connection you feel for someone who offers you the opportunity to replay a psycho-drama from childhood. Not that you will be aware of that consciously. But over time, you will find yourself clamouring for their love and attention, in the same way that you once clamoured for a parent’s attention or love.
3. First impressions are last impressions. Your conscious mind might be fooled by nice manners, good dress sense, and physical attractiveness. Your intuition is not. What your intuition tells you in a split second, your rational mind will take months - or even years - to fully grasp. If your intuition whispered to you: “Back off! This person is bad news”, expect a number of painful months, or years, while your rational brain gets up to speed.
4. What you believe is what you receive. Most partners will only ever treat you as well as you believe you deserve to be treated. The crucial word here is “believe” - not “hope”, or “desire”. If, at bottom, you don’t really believe you deserve the best, it’s highly unlikely that you will get it.
5. You don’t just get a partner; you get the family baggage thrown in. You fall in love with one individual, but you can expect to get saddled with their unresolved family baggage. If partners like their own parents, that’s a plus. If they don’t, and want little or nothing to do with them, what that means is they have yet to break free of their parents, emotionally. A partner laden with family baggage is likely to end up treating you like their burdensome family.
6. Notice how prospective partners treat people they don’t like – that could be you one day. An accurate measure of how nice your partner is, is not how nice he is to you at the start of the relationship – that’s a forgone conclusion; he’s on his best behaviour, out to make a good impression. Much more important is the way he treats, and talks about, people he doesn’t feel obliged to please. Anger, resentment, and criticism of other people does not bode well. One day you may well be ‘other people’.
7. Love means both partners being able to say they are sorry… in a way that makes the other feel genuinely valued. Genuine love presupposes genuine regret at upsetting a loved one. A partner who can’t, or won’t, apologise for causing distress is disregarding your feelings. His disregard for your feelings will cause you lot of unnecessary pain and frustration, over the life of the relationship.
8. All assumptions are deceptive - except, possibly, this one. Assumptions are no substitute for information. We tend to make assumptions in line with our hopes, or fears. The best way to know find out what is really the case for another person is to ask, in a calm, relaxed manner, right from the start.
9. No relationship will thrive without effective communication, physical affection, mutual care and support, and selflessness. Settling for crumbs of what you want is like being on a long-term starvation diet. The relationship will get thinner and thinner. At best it will have a long, feeble half-life. At worst, it will die of starvation.
10. Appreciation is the most powerful form of positive communication. (Blame and criticism are, doubtless, the most powerful forms of destructive communication. If you have experienced them in an abusive relationship, you will want to steer clear of them in the future.) Human beings thrive on genuine appreciation. We all want to receive it, yet most of us are not very good at giving it. Expressing appreciation for your near and dear ones, daily, is a skill well worth learning – not least, because the more you give, the more you get. I’m guessing you, also, enjoy being appreciated as much as the next person. Why wouldn’t you?
“If we are used to being nice, why do you think it is so easy to change? I have subscribed to your emails and was watching your video today and this thought popped into my head: it is just plain hard to be mean to people we care for, including an abusive (ex-)partner, if we are not abusive. Either I have to be Miss Mega Bitch or Miss Get Run Over. There seems to be no happy medium.” Louise
Here's the thing, Louise: you've spent your time being nice to - that is doing back flips to please - a man who treats you badly –and, all the while, treating yourself badly, when you could get to treat yourself well.
So, it's never about changing away from being nice. It's all about loving yourself first, and not casting pearls before swine. Pigs can eat anything, after all. But that really doesn't mean that each time you make a beautiful meal you should chuck it into the pigsty. Pigs are very happy - as I understand it - with leftover table scraps, or swill.
But how can you ever expect someone to cherish you, if you are not prepared to do that for yourself?
How can you educate someone to treat you well, if you do not teach them how, by doing it for yourself?
Start giving your very best to yourself. Who deserves your best more than you do, after all? And extend that best only to those people who deserve it.
Your abusive ex-husband will neither know, nor care, if you give him scraps from your generous heart.
Warm wishes,
Annie
It’s not unusual for clients to tell me what they should do, or what they need to do.
And we’re not just talking about goal setting here.
Abused women often tell me that they have to stop waiting for an abusive partner to change. Or they should take better care of themselves. Or they need to believe they deserve a better life.
What's happened to make them come up with all this 'should' and 'have to' and 'need to' stuff?
What they don't know is, they've been brainwashed by the "Misery Trilogy"!
“I need to start feeling better about myself” isn’t a very compelling statement, is it?
It’s actually code for: “I've been stuck in an abusive relationship, and I feel really bad about myself. It’s making me thoroughly miserable. I know that needs to (notice: “needs to” again) change, for things to get better, and I haven’t a clue how to do it. Other people tell me I need to do it. I know they’re right; and I know they know how to do it, but damned if I do. I’m worried there must be something terribly wrong with me.”
“Should” means much the same thing. We use should to express an expectation we are all too well aware of; an expectation that makes us thoroughly miserable – because we can’t live up to it.
And how about “have to”: “I have to stop thinking about my abusive partner and get my life back on track”? How convincing does that sound?
“Should”, “need to” and “have to” (aka the Misery Trilogy) must be three of the most effective little words you can use for making yourself feel worse than you already do.
In fact, “should”, “need” and “have to” are the verbal salt you rub into the running sores of the emotional abuse you’ve suffered.
If you could do better than you are doing, there is no way you would allow yourself to be overwhelmed and paralysed by unhappiness.
So, what can you do, when you can’t do very much?
You can always do something.
You may have your eyes on the big prize that, for today, is out of reach: i.e. today I’ll do my Gloria Gaynor routine, and when I sing “Go on now, GO”, he’ll disappear with his tail between his legs, never to darken my door again.”
For today, that may be too much of a stretch.
Still, there is always something you can do.
You can listen to Gloria Gaynor and – not fantasize but – visualize your Gloria Gaynor moment.
Fantasy is one thing. It may not get you very far.
Visualization is another thing, entirely. It’s a very, very powerful tool to retrain your mind and change your belief system.
It’s never too soon to start programming your Gloria Gaynor moment into your mental muscle.
More importantly, you can start to harness the power of words.
Words have hurt you. And words can heal you.
What if you made one small change in the words you say to yourself, today and every day?
Could you do that?
It’s not much to ask.
Particularly since it will bring you massive benefits.
What if, instead of rubbing verbal salt in your wounds, you applied a little balm?
What would happen if instead of saying:
“I need to start feeling better about myself”…
You said:
“From today, I get to feel better about myself”.
That’s all there is to it.
Every time you catch yourself slipping into the Misery Trilogy of “should”, “need to”, and “have to”, you simply replace the Misery words with this simple formula:
“Today, I get to…”
It puts you back in control.
So you could say: “Today I get to tell my abusive partner: I’d rather spend time with a Box Jellyfish than with you… or not” - because there may be very good reasons for not saying that to him, just then. But there are no good reasons for not feeling free to entertain that possibility.
Today can be the day that you get to replace your feelings of paralysis with new vistas of possibilities.
Today, I know I’ll get to square up to one or two challenges in my life.
What will you get to do today?
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